Jan 28

Local boxing legend Kirkland Laing – who was paid thousands of pounds for dropping Roberto Duran in 1980 – is fined £350 for dropping an orange peel on Robin Hood Street. So far, the peel has dodged a rematch by dropping a weight in class, the cowardly bastard.

Feb 7

Forest journeyman Junior Agogo scores the winner for Ghana against Nigeria in the quarter-final of the African Cup of Nations and is immediately approached by an 82 year-old man called ‘Nana’ who offers his granddaughter’s hand in marriage. Which is probably one of the more decent proposals a Nana has offered a Forest player, particularly outside of Jumpin’ Jaks on a Friday night.

Feb 8

The council announce plans to axe Victoria Leisure Centre, to howls of protest from most of Nottingham. I’ve only been there once, to see the wrestling when I was 12. The bloke next to me kept shouting “He’s gorra bomb in his pants!” to all the Irish wrestlers and opening packets of crisps with his teeth, and Giant Haystacks told me to fuck off for no reason whatsoever. 

Feb 13

Nottingham’s deep love of bleddy massive fairground rides continues when the Nottingham Eye proves a massive success. From the top, people could actually see their house. And someone in a tracksuit breaking into it.

Feb 17

Nottingham (well, someone doing a press release, actually, but you know what I mean) announces the unveiling the first Speakers’ Corner in the UK for over 150 years, ushering in a new golden age of religious nutters in ill-fitting cardigans bellowing at you that you’re going to sizzle in Satan’s chip pan for your disgusting lifestyle, while all you’re doing is nipping out to the cob shop, for fuck’s sake. Future topics of discussion include ‘who the fuck are yo’ looking at?’ ‘Are you startin’?’ and that timeless, all-encompassing riddle that has beguiled humankind for aeons, ‘Are you gozzin’ at mah missus’ tits?’

Feb 18

Some youth in Sneinton gets fined a whopping £845 for leaving his wheelie bin out, presumably for causing such an inconvenience for his neighbours that they actually had to go to the tip to find somewhere to leave a knackered-up fridge.

Feb 27

The Great Earth Tremor of  2008. Where were you when it happened? If you weren’t having a shit or a shag, I’m not interested in hearing about it, thanks. And stop calling it an earthquake, an’all. Lidl in Carrington were selling safety helmets two weeks before. Last year, they were selling kayaks a fortnight before the floods. So if you ever notice the words ‘Chemical Warfare Week’ in a Lidl catalogue, get the fuck away from town as soon as you possibly can.

March 4

Kegworth businessman Joe Weston-Webb announces new security measures to protect his offices from vandals – a 30ft catapult that fires chicken shit. Presumably it’s a stopgap until the anvil with ‘1000 Tons’ written on it arrives.

March 5

Leicester has a big argument over whether they should erect a statue of Gandhi (presumably to commemorate the occasion he went past it on the train to Beeston, where he actually dossed on his cousin’s sofa – no, really, he did) or Gary Lineker. I think they should just make a big jumper out of crisps, and fuck off while they’re doing it.

March 11

Police in Hyson Green confiscate a potentially lethal stun gun off a couple of mad bastards disguised as a Sony Ericsson mobile, capable of delivering a 900,000-volt electric shock – making it 18 times more powerful than the one the coppers have. Ah well, at least it doesn’t play shitty grime tunes on the back of the bus.
March 13

A local survey reveals that Nottingham residents are not convinced that CCTV cameras have all that much of an effect on crime, actually, and they do very little to reduce crime-related fear. And you can’t have a really good pick of your nose on Mansfield Road anymore.

March 14

Obligatory horrifically violent story of the bi-month: some lad has the tip of his nose bitten off at Libertys, the pub in town that a judge said “would be a positive contribution to law and order and the public good” when the police tried to stop it from opening, you may recall. Do you think he’s ever been in, readers? Me neither.

March 18

A pair of knickers – red with lacy white trim, in you must know – that were given to Forest players in the Wembley dressing room before the 1959 FA Cup final are auctioned off for £250. “In a way, they are the knickers that won the FA Cup,” said the auctioneer. “It broke all the tension in the dressing room, and the players never played so relaxed”. No word on when Neil Harris’ nappies are coming on the market.

March 19

The Notts pub community call for the introduction of a ‘Banned From One, Banned From All’ scheme to combat alcohol-related twattery, in the wake of a similar and massively successful campaign in Mansfield and Ashfield. Which presumably substituted the ‘All’ for ‘Both’.

March 20

A police crackdown on Bestwood in the wake of the Colin Gunn trial leads to almost 700 arrests. Jesus, is there anyone still living there at the moment?

March 21

The big local gig of the year – the Dalai Lama’s five-night stand at the Ice Arena – is thrown into jeopardy due to heavy manners. Hopefully, it’ll still happen, as I’m desperate to get into the press conference and ask him if he’s gooin’ Om after this.

March 22

Bestwood residents – presumably the three that are still there – have a good moan about the council cleaning up a graffiti-covered fence, in order for local kids on a course to, er, spray graffiti over it. Bonus points for the unknown graf artist who who told a journo his name was Nathan Barley and getting it past the sub-editors. Well brown.

March 23

Finally, the feelgood local football story of the year – Derby County stinking out the Premier League like a cat’s arsehole in August – continues when video stills of manager Paul Jewell giving his knock-off a tupping are plastered all over the News of the World. Not the first time we’ve seen a Derby badge plastered over an arsehole, eh readers?

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