So you’re in town on Saturday night, acting the bell-end, and assuming that the best way to impress your chums and the opposite sex is to treat the bar staff like Oompah-Loompahs? Think again, nob-chops: according to our resident tap-puller Bar Bar Black Sheep, here’s what can happen when you treat the staff like shit…

1. THE TWAT TAX

You’re at the bar, braying like a moose with a stick up its arse, waving your money about like Lady Windermere during a heatwave, and generally behaving like you think you’re summat because you’re getting a round in for some women on a hen night who are going to piss off the minute your back’s turned. Did you check your change? Oh dear. A couple of quid has mysteriously ended up in the tip pot. Fancy that.
 
2. THE CHECKED SHIRT BAN

You and your mates, upset that you’ve already lost half your Mam’s board money on a gram of coke that was inside a Vim canister that morning and looking to take it out on anyone who even stares at the building you’re in, have rocked up to Mr Fisters or Slaggers or whatever dump your sort go to in order to breed. Amazingly, the doorman says 'Sorry lads, there’s a strict policy on checked shirts/Timberlands/tattoos of postcodes on foreheads/etc’. Are places really that draconian? Of course not, you div – it’s that the doorman remembers you making gun signs at them the week before like a bunch of sucky kids after watching the A-Team, and is telling you to do one in the nicest possible way.

3. THE MOCKTAIL

Braying dickhead who thinks he knows all about mixology because he saw that Tom Cruise film is holding up the bar all night demanding stupid cocktails for all his other waste-of-sperm-and-egg mates, whilst everyone behind him silently seethes and imagines what it would be like to punch him repeatedly in the back of the head, over and over again. After the third time he’s taken a sip and admonished the bar staff for not using enough amoretto in his girl’s drink, said bar staff member secretly makes his next round without using one single drop of alcohol. He doesn’t even notice.

4. THE GLASS SWITCH

A variation on the above. Gormless Bint dramatically kicks off at harassed bar staff and demands a fresh glass of wine, because the one she has isn’t sweet enough. Or dry enough. Or it’s too sparkling. Or it’s flat. Bar staff member, who is thoroughly aware that the only thing wrong with the drink is that it’s attached to the hand of a window-licker in a pink cowboy hat, apologises and offers to change it immediately – into a new glass, when she’s not looking. She takes a sip, says “That’s better”, and goes off to steal some more precious oxygen.

5. THE BOG AMBUSH

A great cure-all for anyone who has imposed mither upon the bar staff as soon as they nip to the lav. Bar staff contacts the door, and tells them that they think someone matching their description is in the toilets having a 'nose-up'/downloading child porn/meeting Osama bin Laden by the Johnny machine. Doorman ushers out said miscreant, who complains that he’s not done owt and he’s just got a drink in. Except that the bar staff have already cleared it away, shrugging their shoulders and claiming that they thought the table was vacated.

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