Roger Mean's Rocky Horrorscopes
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
You can pull a string and lead it to wherever you wish. But if you try to push it, it will go
absolutely nowhere. You need to learn to entice rather than force the result you are seeking from a situation.
Capricorn (December 23 - January 19)
Good times: tomorrow you will send a friend you haven’t seen in years a cold and disingenuous happy birthday message, via the medium of Facebook.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)
Despite your urge to tick off another life experience box, I’m sorry to tell you that it doesn’t really count as a threesome if you simply walk in and catch your partner having sex with someone else.
Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
Balloon animals, unicycles, chimpanzees and blood all figure prominently next week, as you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time with an assassin who specialises in making his kills look like especially hilarious accidents.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
They say if you teach a man to fish he’ll be able to eat for a lifetime, but they also say that to
become a master you must defeat your teacher. So before you start giving out fishing lessons, ask yourself if you want that hanging over your head.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
You are the object of romantic desire. This can be gratifying if you’re single, but bewildering if you’re already in a relationship. Don’t be tempted to betray a loving partner who has always been there for you. Instead, invite them along for the sex too.
Gemini (May 22 - June 22)
Don’t let things tax your brain so much. When two men firmly agree on something, you can be sure that only one of them is doing the thinking. You can just be happy to be along for the ride.
Cancer (June 23 - July 23)
You’ve always enjoyed trying to solve a puzzle. So there’s plenty for you to look forward to next week when the police come round to inform you that your car has been found 200 miles away with three dead women in the boot.
Leo (July 24 - August 23)
Pain is fun. You’re never alone if you can keep a smile across your face whilst you walk into a firepit. Stop feeling as many of the negative emotions and more of the positive ones after you accept the things you cannot change.
Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
Expect to revisit elements of your past. You’ll find youself living out your childhood dreams next week when you are invited to give a talk at your old school and turn up completely naked.
Libra (September 24 - October 23)
When a bird poos on you it’s supposed to be good luck, right? Not sure that will be the case today though. She didn’t even tell you her name first.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
You can’t trust everyone, but you can usually trust your own instincts. Your life would be better if only your best mates would put as much effort into your friendship as they do into trying to have sex with your partner.
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