The Slug & Fiddle. It was the worst public house known to humankind but Lennie the talking baboon had big ideas for this booze gaff. He was going to bomb it.  He had got together all the necessary ingredients (bleach and a sherbet dip), and sallied forth on his merry way.

On his way to the bombing he got stopped by a homeless person begging for change so Lennie came up with the bright idea of giving the drug addict some money in return for setting the bomb off at the crappy pub.

However the drug addict was far from stupid, he realised that in these times of increased "Terror" a bomb would fetch a fair wedge on the old Black Market(at the back of Broad Marsh bus station). The tramp got greedy, however. Instead of selling it, he thought to himself, why not call in a bomb threat and demand a ransom?

The Tramp knew that the best agencies to contact with bomb threats were newspapers. He picked up the copy of LeftLion Issue 2, which he had been keeping himself warm with, and found their contact details.

"I am only telling you this because I dropped my wallet round near Lion HQ last Tuesday, and someone working there picked it up for me and gave it back. Otherwise you would die with all the other bastards."

The LeftLion receptionist answered: "Ya what duck?  A bomb you say?"

 "Yes. A big fucking bomb." he said.

"Well what kind of bomb do you mean?" she said.

"A big bomb that will destroy the whole of Robin Hood County and some more of the East Midlands. Mwwwwuhahahahahahahahah!"

The Tramp was enjoying himself now: "To save Robin Hood country, you need to pay me lots of dosh. I want 350,000 pounds to be left in a brand new Porsche Boxster. Tell the authorities what I've said, and I'll phone back in an hour with more details."

Meanwhile the cops arrived right beside the tramps phone box.  They had been tapping the phones at LeftLion for 3 months due to the presence of known subversives using their website.  Now was their chance to break into the organisation using the tramp as a go-between.

A tall man wearing the uniform of the police left the squad car, the name Wachowski was worn over one side of his neatly ironed shirt. He beckoned to the tramp.

"Now listen up, you slaaaahhg.  We want info on a bloke called Alan - next time ask for him by name.  We reckon he's a right sort, the ringleader of a bunch of pinkos trying to smash the state.  Do that, and we won't break your ankles."

The tramp looked confusion at the situation that was unfolding around him. He hadn't planned for this and sure as hell had no intentions of working for the filth. There was only one option for the tramp. He decided to call back the only man he knew could get him out of this situation...

The Hurdy Gurdy man arrived and busted in between all the cops like a baddass. Then he sat down on a sub woofer and started cranking out some bad human beatbox action!! The tramp wasn't sure why he was doing this at first, but he knew he liked it. Then he looked around and realised.  He was hypnotising all the pigs.

Visions of unrivalled happiness flooded into the mind of officer Wachowski. He blinked hard but could not fight back the images entering his fucking dirty polluted people hating head.  Then, he began to dance.  Like a man possessed, he jumped and kicked and clapped and generally grooved until his body lay mangled in the alley. It seems he was allergic to having a good time.

By now a crowd were gathering, drawn in by the Hurdy Gurdy man's beats. They were all gyrating wildly to the music.

Meanwhile, in the LeftLion office . . . Santa was lying in a pool of blood, vomit and snow.  He emitted a quiet groan, which almost sounded like the plaintive howl of a timber wolf.

Jared was poking him with a stick and crying. Eventually, Santa began to tell them the whole truth. He had been sitting in the goose on the square, minding his own business, when out of nowhere, like, this geezer comes up and he's, like: "Ayup! Yew lookin' at mah bird? Ah'll fuckin ave yew ah will!"

It was Dav the (Welsh) Chav! He'd just been to get his benefits and was wearing his best tracksuit bottoms when he launched a totally unprovoked attack on the innocent person minding his own business. It kind of happened like this... Boom Shake Shake Shake The Room Tick Tick Tick Tick Boom.

Then all of a sudden a fucking black pudden came flying through the air. It hit Dav in the head, bounced off back onto Will Smith, knocking him over into Jazzy Jeff, who fell into his record and scratched it with the record needle. Thus the black pudden scratch was born...

The invention of the Black Pudden Scratch was a blessing for Dav the Chav, who was glorified as the next big thing in Mixmag. Dav, however (being a Chav) got easily distracted by the trappings of his new found fame. He bought a great big, chunky silver chain, which he refused to take off for any reason. When he went to Ibiza to celebrate, he ended up drowning in the sea, because of the weight of the chain.

Back in the Goose a traffic warden had ticketed Santa's reindeer and they had stolen the presents from his sleigh!

"Vhy haz z traffic varden stolen thoze prezzies" Said Fritz the German market stall holder.

"Das ist nicht gut" his busty frauline, Helga, agreed. "Those poor children, zey vil be vithout prezzies this Christmas."

Arming themselves with large Bratwurst's they made their way to the sleigh. They got a crowbar out of the sleigh and busted open some parking meters. They knew this was the only way to flush out the traffic police (aside from parking illegally, but that was less fun).

As the traffic wardens rushed out to stop them they opened up a can of whoopass Deutschland-style and battered the pathetic parky's into submission. They cleaned house and took them all down. A moral victory for motorists worldwide. The blood of traffic wardens curdled on the street corner and ran down the street in a colour that reminded them of blood.

They rounded up the presents and rearranged them very efficiently and neatly in the sleigh. "Ve mast deleever zees prezzies to ze Chidlerz." Fritz cried, "But Ze Santa iz in a bad way, who vill ride ze sleigh tonight?"


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

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