In the LeftLion office, Santa had been bandaged up, and was sat smoking one of his "special" cigarettes with Jared and Alan. None of them were aware of the strange goings on in Nottingham, although Jared did think that the messageboard was particularly quiet today.

Back at Santa's Sleigh, the Hurdy Gurdy man had an idea.

"Don't worry about it Elvis, have a Gherkin or summat... we don't really need Shilton,. You always said he was a liability who would have to go at some point anyway... now listen here. I've refined the plan..."

"...but first, we need to figure out who's going to be Santa." explained Elvis "How are we gonna decide that?" Asked Hurdy Gurdy Man

"Easy. Paper Scissors Stone. After three..."

"Hold it right there!" The door swung open and the outline of a familiar character filled the door frame.

"There's only one way we can decide who will be Santa- I'll do it!

"Craig!" The crown gasped in unison. It was Craig Maclachlan, only he was about 20 stones heavier than when he was last seen.

"What happened Craig?"

"There isn't time, Stefan is in outside with the engine running, i'll tell you on the way. Let's get moving!"

On that note the gang left the building and piled into the E reg Austin Maestro that was ticking over outside. Just as the evil traffic Wardens were about to pounce. Speeding off in the direction of Strelley Co-op. Above the city the stars were moving into position to herald the birth of the new All night McDonalds on Mansfield Road by demand of the local whores.

It was Noddys first shift tossing burgers and the night held promise of gifts from Santa if only he could keep the totties in hot drinks & cold fries. Noddy had been released from the completely off ya trolley wing of Nottingham prison the day before. After serving 5 years for being found in possession of a Dido CD he was keen to get his feet well & truly pedicured. Big Ears had been a good friend inside, but his nail painting skills were a little lax.

Noddy looked out of the window, and saw an Austin Maestro pull up at the drive through. Noddy was surprised at the order for 250 Big Macs, with as many extra gherkins as possible, but he did his job dutifully, spitting in every third burger as the policy demanded.

As he raised his head to look at the hungry customer, a trail of dribble ran slowly down his chin: "Sa.. Sa....Santa...?"

"No, no no!" Bellowed Craig.

The burger tossers face took the shape of that of a slightly disappointed rent boy.

"Oh" he said in his bizarre Birmingham accent, "Yow just look like im"

Craig replied, "How about these burgers son, are they made to regular EU standards?" Maclachlan then let out a low pained moan due to excessive burgerage!

Stefan Dennis muttered something about how in Amsterdam Big Mac's were called a Royale with cheese. He gladly accepted the first of the strawberry milkshakes:

"Goddamn. So that's what a £1.50 shake tastes like!"

He then let out a chorus of his mega pop hit 'Don't It Make You Feel Good', whilst Maclachlan was sick into the drive by hatch...

"Shit" shouted Noddy at the curly haired ex-Neighbours star... "I've only been at this job two hours and I fucking hate it already. As if the staff policy wasn't bad enough, I have to deal with freaks like you and now i'm covered in puke. I quit!"

Just then, a young lady appeared. The name badge said Keeley but she preferred to be known as Cortina. Cortina's greasy black hair was scraped back as tight as she could get it and was being forcefully held in place by one of the cheapest bobbles ever made which she had purchased off a man at Bulwell Market who was also selling greyhounds.

Cortina was a mother to two children, Lambrini and Nova who were 18 months and 9 months old, respectively, and she was studying towards a GCSE in claiming benefits in her spare time so she was prime material to be a manager at McDonalds. With her shockingly poor customer service skills and total lack of knowledge for people management, Cortina was working towards the dizzy heights of getting a pay rise. This should bring her up to the minimum wage.

She shouted to address the horrifying situation that was unfolding in front of her "Noddeh, are yew bein chelpeh again? Gerroverit an serve some fuckin lard burgers sharpish, ya get meh..."

"Oi've ad enuff o this, Oi'm not avin this anymore. Oi quit!" said Noddy, defiantly.

With that he flung his apron down to the floor and stormed off. Stefan and Craig looked at each other in dismay, they needed those burgers and there was no way Cortina was going to be able to cope with 250 burgers, for she was heavily pregnant with her seventh child and besides, she wanted to get back to the office where she was busy forging a note from her parents to excuse her from P.E.

DC McSweeney saw from the car that something was wrong, and stepped into help.

"I'm going to have to commandeer all of your Gherkins and all of your Lard, Madam. Official police business."

Cortina looked at DC McSweeney in shock and disbelieve.

"Oh, McSweeney, I can't believe it's you. I've not seen you for 7 months." She patted her expectant stomach. "Oi've summit ta tell you. D'you remember that half hour we spent together in your police station?"

McSweeney felt the pleasant glow of lust in his loins. It had been one hell of a time. His mind went into rewind, then he paused it on the moment when Cortina stood before him naked but for a union jack thong and two pounds of smoked haddock draped over her.

Stefan could see that McSweeney was daydreaming, so awoke him from his fantasy with a swift, sharp blow to the head with a kipper, which just happened to be lying around. It made a very satisfying slap across DC McSweeney's forehead.

"Oh, fuck... sorry... yes... Lard."

DC McSweeney grabbed the lard and the gherkins quickly. He kissed Cortina passionately on the lips, before rubbing her hair to get some extra much needed grease.

He got back in the car, and Craig drove off. Suddenly the 'phone rang. "Who's been fucking wiv my ringtones" McSweeney bellowed.

"Oops, sorry, my mistake" chuckled Craig, as Babycakes rang out again. "I thought you liked this song."

DC McSweeney answered his phone. On the other end he could faintly hear the Hurdy Gurdy man. He sounded like he was in trouble.

"Grrble grrble aarghh grrbl pphhhh"

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

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