In town, the Hurdy Gurdy man was indeed in trouble. He had been captured by a group of traffic wardens. These crafty buggers had escaped the earlier slaughter as they had just made the Victoria Centre car park a No Parking zone and had gone round ticketing the entire car park.

Now they dragged him before the all powerful Master Traffic Warden. The Hurdy Gurdy man was shocked to see it was... that old tramp who walks around with two walking sticks and is in obvious pain. the Tramp AKA Crab Stick Man beckoned Hurdy Gurdy Man closer with a slow, slight curling of his upturned index finger and, in a crackled voice interspersed with radio interference, said;

"So Hurdy Gurdy Man, we meet again

Hurdy Gurdy Man stood there open mouthed for a while, when he finally managed to compose himself he managed to utter,

"So... It...It was you? But why this? What happened was a long time ago, and had nothing to do with all the kids - they're the victims here..."

"Are they really?" Crab Stick Man interrupted "Huh? Tarquin?" Crab Stick Man was the only one who knew the Hurdy Gurdy Man's real name. "Sure they'll be upset, but they'll be more upset when I tell them that it was you who ruined Christmas! You who stole all the presents to feed his crack habit! You! And it's you who will pay... Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!"

The Hurdy Gurdy man felt defeated. He knew that even his greatest weapon, his music, would not work against Crab Stick Man. Crab Stick Man looked at him. "You thought you were a better musician than me? Come on, 'Hurdy and the Crab' would have been bigger than the Beatles, bigger even than Elvis. But you had to go solo. Well, now vengeance is mine."

But of course Crab Stick Man did not realise that the Hurdy Gurdy Man had craftily rang DC McSweeney as he was captured by the traffic wardens. The phone, secreted in his back pocket conveyed everything to the gang, even his exact location, as the hideout was in the back room at reflex, so the unmistakeable sounds of Peter Andre could be detected clear as day through McSweeney's handset.

McSweeney knew that it would be close to impossible to drive to Reflex, as the Traffic Wardens could close off roads with a few well-placed wheel clamps. The only way in was to fly, and for that they would need to use Santa's Sleigh. They headed for where Elvis the Manatee and Mini H G Man were guarding the sleigh.

When they arrived there, Elvis jumped to the head of the sleigh with Mary Poppins sat beside him. The rest of the gang jumped into the back with all the presents. Santa's reindeer were tethered at the front, chomping at the bit, with Reason's pig at the front, for much needed extra power.

"It's quarter to twelve, guys." Elvis started "That means we're gonna have to deliver these presents at the same time as rescuing Hurdy Gurdy Man. I say we fly over past Reflex, at which point Mary Jumps out for Hurdy Gurdy Man, while we wheel back around Nottingham dropping presents through the chimneys. Now we haven't got much time, so we're all going to have to muck in here...and no stopping to drink the sherry they've left out I'm afraid McSweeney!"

"Are we ready?"

They chorused their agreement, and the sleigh lifted off. As they climbed above Nottingham, they could see the chaos on the roads below, and the traffic wardens swearing at them.

The sleigh sped through the night, crossing over the full moon (as it had to do, by artistic law, the E.T. Charter).

Soon they approached Reflex. Mary Poppins opened her umbrella, and sailed down to the club's rooftop. Ten Mary Poppins hit upon a conundrum.

It was gay night at reflex and she'd never get through the front door - feminine she was, effeminate she was not. looking around, Mary spied a skylight and decided that the Tom Cruise Mission Impossible entrance was the only method worth contemplating. Mary quickly opened the skylight and shimmied inside. She was hanging above a club full of 800 muscle-bound men, gyrating to some of the cheesiest music she had ever heard.

"Tragedy... When the feelings gone and you can't go on it's Tragedy... "

By one of the doorways, there were two traffic wardens. Mary could sense that the Hurdy Gurdy man was in that room. She knew she would need to distract them to get in the room. Pulling out an emergency block of lard which she had stashed in her handbag just for this very moment, Mary wasted no time in greasing down the main gyrator on the dancefloor before sending him on his unsuspecting way towards the traffic wardens to ask the question...

"I like a man in uniform, so how about it, Big Boy?"

The first Traffic Warden looked panic stricken at this suggestion. This was not what he went into ticketing cars for. He decided to leg it. His friend smiled coyly at the dancing, leather-clothed man before him. "I'm game, darling, it's time I came out the closet." The two men embraced, and were too busy to notice Mary Poppins slip through the door, where she came face to face with Crab Stick Man. But Mary was not worried. She knew this would happen, that's why they went to the McDonald's to get the Gherkins.

Dangling a gherkin in front of Crab Stick Man's face, Mary knew he could not resist. Just then, Spike from 911 appeared between them. Spike was her nemesis, fighting for Hurdy Gurdy Man's attention all these years and all the while trying to turn him against Mary Poppins and convert him to the ways of the man love.

Mary Poppins was in no mood to face Spike now, she didn't have time for this kind of shit. Save it for a Friday night in Jumping Jacks like everyone else, she thought. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and boy was she scorned, so wasting no time, Mary gave Spike the bag of Gherkins to hold. Spike looked puzzled.

"What the hell do I want with these putrefying green pickles?" He asked.

Crab Stick man could not bear to see these precious gherkins treated so callously, as he set about Spike, beating him senseless with his walking sticks.

Mary left the two men fighting, and walked over to the Hurdy Gurdy man, who was lying tied up in the corner. In the confusion Mary untied Hurdy Gurdy Man and walked him round Crab Stick Man who was now scrabbling around on the floor for the last few precious gherkins, stepped over the pulverised unconscious mass of Spike, and out of the door. Once outside, Mary opened her umbrella, grabbed hold of Hurdy Gurdy Man, and the pair disappeared into the night air.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

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