The sleigh was flying above the St Anns area, dropping presents down chimneys, and dodging the bullets as the local kids tried to bag themselves a reindeer.

Craig Maclachlan had got the hang of this now. He was enjoying himself, and every few seconds boomed out "Ho, Ho, Ho", much to the annoyance of the rest of the group.

Elvis and McSweeney looked at each other, clearly enraged that this Johnny come lately had managed to blag the job of Santa while no one in the group actually liked him. A nod was exchanged, and the pair decided to mutiny.

A swift kick to the behind later, and Craig Maclachlan was flying through the air towards the ground, emitting a high pitched wail all the way down. He landed on the steps outside Left Lion HQ. Jared and Alan were shocked when they saw this second bruised and battered Santa. "What is going on?" they both cried, before collapsing into a fit of giggles as Timmy started singing "It's raining Santas."

Unfortunately they hadn't taken into account the effect which Craig's excessive weight would have on the local population. A localised earthquake occurred and pretty much the whole of the St Anns area was destroyed. The Ghetto Bird (police helicopter) was dispatched and was soon hot on the heel's of the two replacement Santa's.

Meanwhile, back Market Square, an argument was brewing between the Germans and Chaka Demus and Pliers, who wanted help setting up a soundsystem behind the two lions. The organisation was simply too slack for a red faced Fritz.

Not helped by the fact that Fritz had an irrational fear of Reggae music, something to do with chilling out disturbed him.

Chaka Demus and Pliers knew that they would have to act quickly, in order to get the party started at Midnight. They knew that this was their chance for a come back, too. Fritz was less sure. He thought that the speakers should be further away from their stalls, the cables were tangled, and besides, he wouldn't have enough time to order in all the Bratwurst and bier they would need.

At this point Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff, who had been playing the very successful Black Pudden scratch, in the Goose on the Square, finished their set, and came out to see what all the fuss had been about.

Chaka Demus and Pliers knew that they would have to act quickly, in order to get the party started at Midnight. They knew that this was their chance for a come back, too. Fritz was less sure. He thought that the speakers should be further away from their stalls, the cables were tangled, and besides, he wouldn't have enough time to order in all the Bratwurst and bier they would need.

At this point Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff, who had been playing the very successful Black Pudden scratch, in the Goose on the Square, finished their set, and came out to see what all the fuss had been about. They whistled for a cab and when it came near... License plate said "fresh" and had a dice in the mirror. Will Smith thought, "Na, forget it, time to play here!"

He walked up to Chaka Demus. "Yo, dude, what's goin' down?"

"A gig is what's going down my man. In this very square. Let me break it down for you. (singing) the mother of all parties... is gonna go off here toniiii-iiiight... for Christmas and that. It's our comeback giiii-iiiig.... with the Poppins Hurdy Experience.... we've just got to hook this soundsystem up and we're rocking. "

Meanwhile, at Left Lion HQ, Alan checked the listing board. "Shit, the Purdy Hoppins Experience are playing in Market square tonight, that'll be a fucking wicked gig, we need to get down there and cover it."

Jared looked at the two Santas, both well and truly battered, and asked "But what about them two? We can't just leave them here, they'll get the munchies soon, and we've run out of Pizza."

"We can only take one fat knacker with us, two would just be impossible." said Timmy.

"How do we decide which one?" enquired Alan.
"We decide by leaving Craig Maclaghlan here and taking the other one with us." came Jared's assessment of the situation.
"Why, we don't even know who the other Santa is?" asked a cat curled up on the back of the sofa.
"Mona is why" replied Jared.
"Agreed!" came the quick reply from all.

In market square the situation was getting worse. Will Smith was looking for the PHE "So, where the hell's this band?" He demanded of Chaka Demus. "We need to know if we can play. We've got a shit hot new black pudden mix to show off."

Chaka Demus was busy wiring up the Amps, and didn't need bother from this troublesome Yank. "Fuck off, mon before we get a real robot to fuck ya ass. PHE will be here soon. They need to make a grand enterance mon"

"Tell em to hurry up," said Will to Pliers. "I wanna show Miss Poppins some Big Willie Style"

Embarrassed by his friend's crassness, Jazzy Jeff tried to divert attention from Will's comment by spinning round to comment on Fritz's stall. "Let's go get a wiener, Will."

Chaka Demus saw his chance and, wasting no time, picked up a handful of speaker cable, sent it out into the air with a deft flick of the wrist and lassoed the Pudden Scratch duo into the containment of a flightcase.

With his futuristic but essentially eighties technology, Robocop was just getting up to speed with events. A recent upgrade meant an secondary sound system could be run through the man-machine and a nuclear grade speaker would be projected out of his arse. Sound system was sorted.

Mary Poppins and the Hurdy Gurdy man were clinched in a very passionate hug. Mary Poppins was telling him how much she had loved him for years. Hurdy Gurdy man kissed Mary again. He was deliriously happy.

The clock in Mary's flat struck 12. "Shit" the Hurdy Gurdy man knew that they had to meet up with Elvis, and get to the concert. He grabbed his clothes and started to pull them back on.

At the exact same moment Hurdy Gurdy Man was putting his left leg in his trousers, the LeftLion guys left their HQ with a mystery and possibly genuine Santa in tow. Craig had been left behind under the watchful eye of the cat. As the four men stepped out into the night, Santa looked up into the night sky and saw a glimmer of light streaking across it. "That's my sleigh, boys," he cried. "Who's riding my sleigh tonight?"

But! just as the two were running for the door, Spike reappeared, in some half skin removed, terminator stylee fashion, only to give the two an all too Christmassy ultimatum:
"S-P-I K to tha E, in the place to be,
we going to the works and we gonna buy 'E',
they got this wicked thing goin and its called a part-E.
Now i understand that this might come as a shock,
you thought you were getting away, but no,
you either come with me mr Hurdy Gurdy,
or we all de, right here right now"

At that point a Nearby DJ whipped out an old Fatboy slim LP and blasted it out whilst Spike opened his old "The Third Man" style jacket to reveal what appeared to be a huge strap of dynamite around his chest.

"Explosives!!!" cried Mary Poppins. "Call 911"

"I am 911" replied the vile Spike, as annoying as ever.

Mary was secretly trying to remember her five step dragon style exploding bag technique whilst buying valuable time. The Hurdy Gurdy man laughed at Spike's music. It was time to bring the beat to the max. He started to lay down a phat beat, leaving Mary Poppins to show them her rapping.

"Hey, muppet with a bomb,
Ya tink ya got it goin' on?
Ya've got shit timin',
ya can't keep up wit ma rhymin',
Time to wear your proper sorry frown,
Coz a spoonful of sugar'll help this medicine go down."

She shoved a cocktail of assorted drugs down Spike's throat. But like the lyrics in Boney M - Rasputin suggest, he drank them all and said "ill be fine" (The drugs that is) and he was telling the truth, he was going to the works, or Rock city, either way he was going with drugs in him, which suited him quite well, now he didn't need to buy them.

After this brief intermission, Mary Poppins and The Hurdy Gurdy Man finally got down to the square to meet The fresh prince and Jazzy Jeff, Only to be welcomed by the critically necessary slap, pssshhhhh, thumb over shoulder meeting technique, which is very similar to the mating motion of the chav, Whereby each chav simply punches the other in the fist... back to the rapping quadrupplo...


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 9

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