Back outside Left Lion HQ, Santa called to his reindeer. "Come Dasher, Come Dancer, Come Prancer, Come Vixen, Come Come, Come Cupid, Come Donner, Come Blitzen, Come Rudolph, bring me my sleigh"

Far overhead the Reindeer heard, and turned the sleigh earthbound. Elvis, DC McSweeney, Stefan Dennis and Mini-Hurdy-Gurdy Man were startled as they could no longer control the sleigh. Only Mr Reason's pig seemed to ignore this, grunting from the back, whilst munching on a turnip.

Back in the square, Will Smith starts coming on to Mary Poppins. Hurdy Gurdy Man takes exception to this, having just found out the object of his affection had loved him all these years. "Back off Freshboy, she's mine." and steps up to him. Mary Poppins drags him back with a hand on his shoulder, not wanting Hurdy Gurdy to get hurt and lose what remained of his well eroded good looks, but secretly wanting to have another look at this other guy who wanted  a bit of her action. Will could sense it. "I challenge your Purdy Hoppins Experience or whatever you call yourselves to a musical battle. the winner gets Mary."

Meanwhile, a bad scene is happening.....Pliers and Robocop have got out of control, drunk, and rowdy,  they're arguing over who can bodypop the best. Hurdy Gurdy man looked at Wil Smith. He remembered the Fresh Prince, and knew that he could rap, but his lyrics were never tight.

"You're on. When Elvis the Manatee gets here, let battle commence."

The square was beginning to fill with crowds of people, keen on seeing a free concert. They formed a circle around Pliers and Robocop, watching them bodypop and cheering them on. Chaka Demus and Jazzy Jeff were supplying the beats. Fritz and Helga were happily selling loads of beer, but were fast running out of pork based products for the hungry crowd.

Somewhere up in the sky, a commotion was going on. it involved 8 reindeer and a pig. the reindeer were trying to respond to a call from a fat man below while the pig was just flying on regardless, munching on a turnip. This commotion was affecting the passengers of the sleigh which was being propelled by this unlikely collection of beasts. Someone was going to have to make a decision.

Somewhere up in the sky, a commotion was going on. It involved 8 reindeer and a pig. The reindeer were trying to respond to a call from a fat man below while the pig was just flying on regardless. Munching on a turnip. This commotion was affecting the passengers of the sleigh which was being propelled by this unlikely collection of beasts. Someone was going to have to make a decision.

Stefan Dennis decided it was time to be the hero.

"Kill the Pig" He yelled. DC McSweeney looked scared, and backed away from him, pulling his gun.
"Not you, the other fucking Pig. When it's dead, we can feast on it."

Mini H.G. Man was well up for this, and he leapt daintily onto the Pig's back, pulling out a lethal looking butcher's knife. He yelled the famous line from Deliverance: "I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig" and swiftly brought the knife down.

The pig tried to dodge the knife. It swung left, it swung right, but it was no use. He was putty in their hands. Or at least pork. As they flew in above the town centre, the pig could see his destiny, namely Fritz's Sausage Stall.

Mini HG Man brought the knife down, and the pig squealed it's last squeal as a wave of blood and turnip came floating up over the reindeer.

The sleigh passed overhead, narrowly missing the Goose on the Square, before turning and heading for Sherwood Rise. Robocop missed a move, allowing Pliers to win the Bodypopping competition. Robocop was pissed off. He pulled out his gun, preparing to blast the reggae star. Chaka Demus interrupted him by getting on the mike and yelling "Let's ged dis partay started" He began singing "Murder She Wrote"

"I know this little girl. Her name is Maxine. Her beauty is Like a bunch of roses. If I ever tell you 'bout Maxine"

Alan, Tim, Jared and Santa heard a grinding noise behind them and looked round to see a most awesome sight, reindeers, a sledge full of people and a heavily bleeding pig sliding down Mansfield road. The sleigh grounded itself and came to a halt in the heavily neglected wasteland/carpark on mansfield road, right by LeftLion HQ. A half chewed turnip rolled by them. Santa picked it up. "I knew it," he said.

A crowd had been quickly amassing, drawn out of their homes by the dulcet tones of Chaka Demus. A cry of awe filled the square as the sleigh skidded to a halt next to the fountains. Pliers rushed over to greet the party. "Guys, you made it. Nice one. Get all the presents delivered?"

Jared cautiously climbed off the sleigh, and turned to the rest of the LeftLioners. "Either that is some of the strongest gear I have ever had, or this is the real Santa Claus."

Santa Claus looked at Elvis. "Cheers, me duck. That was proper great of you to deliver all them pressies for me. Can you do the same next year? I fancy chillin' and smoking with these geezas."

"Er... Nah, you're all right with that mate, I'll leave it to you. I'm bloody knackered, time for a spliff methinks..."

Elvis sat down on the steps to the side of the lions and took out his tin, blissfully unaware of the stage that had been set up and the crowd that had assembled. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Hurdy Gurdy Man standing over him.

"Dude, what are you doing?" asked, Hurdy Gurdy Man, motioning over to Elvis' tin "Not a good time, man."

With that he directed Elvis' gaze out towards the crowd and in turn to the makeshift stage where Fritz had taken the mic:

"Und now, ladies and gentlemen, ze moment you haf all been vaiting for, ze band who saved Christmas, und supplied us wiz zis lovely pig..." Fritz pointed to the side of the stage where Reason had begun the emotional task of roasting his beloved pig, alternating between shedding tears, licking his lips, and adding more lard, "I am pleased to present ze Purdy Hoppins Experience!

Hurdy Gurdy man grabbed a stunned manatee by the arm and dragged him onto the stage to join Mary Poppins and Mini Hurdy Gurdy Man. Their opponents, Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff walked on from the other sign. Will swaggered up to the mic and started to work his comical musings on the crowd in a vein attempt to try and curry favour>

"So I had this tight little honey all up in my face an she like `damn!' an I'm all like `whatever'..."

Little did he realise that this was live; there was no canned laughter to help him out here, and he had to be dragged away by an embarrassed JJ before the battle had even started, such was the intensity of the heckling.

Chaka Demus and Pliers and the PHE looked at each other in bemusement, before shrugging and looking out over their adoring crowd

"PHE! PHE! PHE! PHE! PHE!"

Elvis nodded at Chaka Demus, who ran over to his decks and started to lay down the soothing baselines, Hurdy Gurdy Man shared a tender kiss at long last before Hurdy Gurdy Man picked up his tools and began to play. The crowd went wild, Mini Hurdy Gurdy Man hurled himself off the stage and surfed it all the way to the bratwurst stall and was never seen again.

With the music building to a crescendo, Elvis took hold of the microphone: "Ok guys, first of all I'd like to introduce a couple of friends of ours who're gonna be joining us on stage. You all know Chaka Demus and Pliers I suppose?"

The crowd greeted this with a rapturous affirmative.

"Well I'd also like to welcome a few more, would you please make it up for Holsten Nazi!!!"

This was met with a bemused smattering of applause from the crowd, who we're all so E'd up they didn't really care anyway.

"And the other guy, I think you might recognise..."

The adoring fans went nuts when the incoherent yet unmistakeable sounds of the Xylophone man began to ring crystal clear over the top of the music. The ghost of the Xylophone man floated in from behind the left lion and took his place next to the Hurdy Gurdy Man.

"Right guys..." screamed Elvis "...You ready?"

The crowd roared.

"We're gonna play you a little song we wrote this morning, it's a Christmas song, it's about loving, giving, sharing, forgiving, pigs, gherkins, weed and lard. Hope you like it...."

With that, PHE, along with Chaka Demus and Pliers, and the Ghosts of Holsten Nazi and the Xylophone Man let it rip. They played on long into the early hours of Christmas morning, with the smooth beats of Chaka Demus, hypnotic rhythms from Hurdy Gurdy man interrupted by bouts of extreme noisecore from Holsten Nazi and Elvis' intense vocals intertwined with the childish ramblings of the Xylophone man. This would be a Christmas day that the people of this fair city would never forget...

THE END


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8


 

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