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Hey! Hows you? It's been a while, han't it? I like what you've done with your hair. We've got a lot to catch up on, so let's hit the ground running. Pooter games - I like them, I think they're good.
I guess I should be in mourning at the mo, as last night my Xbox 360 was acting all fruity. After a bit, it gave me a nicely laid-out note telling me it was feeling ill and its mummy said it wasn't to do any games practice today. I didn't really need a pre-programmed screen to tell me that it wasn't working, the fact it wasn't actually playing the DVD I'd put in it was telling me that. The Red Ring of Death should bother me more, I guess, but since it's long past warranty I'm thinking of giving it a big hug in a towel or sticking cotton buds up it's bum, then maybe replacing the heat sinks with gaffa-taped pennies. Apparently that's what stands in for Techno-Necromancy nowadays, merely reinforcing my manly opinion that there's nothing that can't be sorted by hitting it with a hammer or gaffa tape. My application for Freelance IT Consultant notwithstanding, if it doesn't work I can always do what a good mate of mine did with his – took it down Warwick Castle and trebucheted the damn thing. Smashy smashy.
 Combat on Atari 2600 |
 Space Invaders - Classic arcade machine |
 Tron Man - The legend lives on. |
 Bully - Bromance blossoms. |
 Bishi Bashi's Uncle Bean. |
 Earth Defence Force - Wobbly robots for the win |
 Gamer Grub - for when you're too lazy to order pizza! |
 World of Warcraft's Leeeroy Jenkins - at least he has chicken |
Being a geek of all trades, I like loads of different games.* And have done for quite some while. As a child, the spinny deaths and acoustic joys of Combat on the 2600 were enough for me. Later, when I was a little older, the Speccy came into my life, took off her nerd glasses and shook down her gameplaying hair. And something started. After watching Liquid Television with a glass of pop and some beans on toast, we'd retire to the bedroom and find her there. I can still remember the sheen of young boys' sweat from moistened fingertips across the rubber keys. Q and A, K, O and P. Faintly glistening in a dying shaft of Autumn sunlight, as dust motes hung - paused. We quickly closed the curtain so we could see the display better. In many ways, she taught us all those tips and cheats we take for granted today. I can get others to emulate her now, but it'll never be the same.
Gaming has totally changed the social climate for geeks, and clearly for the better. Math mastered the code, electronics built the chips and they – suddenly and unexpectedly - had the power. Those pioneering poindexters strode forth to take all our cash in Space Invaders machines, and they've been doing it ever since. A small price for loss of the social stigma, as geek chic has slowly and awkwardly come to town. Since the radicality of the 90's boom, it's seemingly widespread enough now to be cool to be a gamer. As games improved and became more and more integrated with mainstream media - from Tron to The Matrix – in Hollywoodland, The Game was on.
Even films like Crank - what appears at first glance to be your average no-brainer hi-octane knuckledragger of a film staring everyone's favourite manly East End ne'er-do-well The Stath. It's clearly revealed under the trained eye to be an highly artsy work depicting the average day off work playtesting what you can get up to on the latest GTA clone, from the point of view of the player character. Or I could possibly be reading too much into that. And most recently, check out Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World for the big film love of 8-bit. Then read the comic. Or read the comic then check the film. Either order, I'm not fussed. Just enjoy.
Like movies, even bad ones can become much better with friends – and the same stands true for games. Obviously though, better games are preferable. Sandbox-style games have opened up whole new ways to pay and play. Gaming styles can be like penmanship or even a right of passage in a new house. My housemate Nish – though clearly he likey the sandbox, as evidenced by his recent work on Grand Theft Horsey - seemed overly frustrated watching me eagerly avoid any type of mission-based action for hours on Bully. Instead, I did my item-hunting and clothes-shopping thing, and resolutely tried to get the respect of some random fat kid who had cussed me out good near the start of the game. He had earned my respect, Sir, and I wasn't going to do anything else till him and me were bessie mates.
Nish finally got the picture after he evidenced me get caught up in a fight in the dorms with a jock. Mid fight, as he lay sprawled out, I calmly made him wait while I took a time out to drink water from fountain - followed by a continued force ten storm of beatdown. You do it with style, or don't bother doing it. It's the jazz that makes these games more fun to me – telling your own little epic mini tales in-between the prescribed fixed storyline. I've spent a good few hours trying to destroy entire levels and dig and climb our way out of them using Red Faction's damageable walls, or just holidaying on different worlds and citys, radio on – sightseeing. Plus, without friendly faffing about, we'd probably never had the Mechanima joys that Red Vs. Blue and other YouTube Generation gems.
Still, even with the potential of today's 60 bazillion colours and cinematic arching, branching morality play storylines and polygons up the wazoo, me and me freinds'll still end up playing entire nights of just Hyper Pie Throw on Bishi Bashi Special (48 metres is the score to beat). Chaos on the 48K provoked similar delights. Even though back then we didn't really know about all the rules or what half the non-summony spells do – apart from make funky grunky noises. Thank heavens for the internets for retro instructions! Lack of two-player co-op modes due to the constant encroaching specter of Online Gaming, though – Gahhh! Never has something so forward reaching as allowing you to play with potentially anyone been so frustrating (except the person right next to you with controller in hand!). Few and far between nowadays seem the new you, a friend and a slab of beers joys of an Earth Defence Force or a Vigilante 8. And hey this stuff can save your life. In the correct hands, Left 4 Dead is a vital tool for use in checking out housemates potential in the inevitable forthcoming Zombie Apocalypse.
Yes, of course, there's the Gunporn. Shoot-em-up's are a lot like your point-and-clicky-type nice adventures, apart from the only available command is usually "Use All Bullets On His Face." These being quite popular, the standard media line is seemingly that video games will make you kill people. This aimed at a caste of people who will sit stock-still and goggle-eyed for hours on end, and would contemplate actually buying something like this to eat, or heaven forbid, maximize their potential with GamerGrub. But if you promise not to save on electricity by popping out to play Doom in real life**, I'll try not to offer my fetch quest services to Nottingham's pimps and chavs in the hope that after seven hours Lady Bay Bridge will stop being closed and will open up more coffee shops and missions in West Briggo's Library. However, the Wii appears to have waved it's magical wand over a lot of this, and everyone from your mum to your granny is now likely to be wholesomely Wii Fit and Brain Training. Your Princess however, is probably in another castle.
Speaking of shut-ins, Warcrack, latest in the line of fantasy-tinged heroin substitutes (post-Magic the Gathering, pre-Farmville for the chronology here) still seems perennially popular. I've never ventured into the World of Warcraft myself, but if my housemate Hob's graveyard antics were any cop, I'm probably not missing out on too much. Chatting with some mates down the pub, they reckoned that, on average they were losing touch with mates for about four years before they resurfaced - wide eyed and blinking into the sunlight - having 'quit it' for a bit. Tours of duty in 'Nam were only one year! Jeezy peas!
However as Mmorperger's go, I did use to bash about on Phantasy Star Online back in the day, on the beautiful dreamy Dreamcast. Our offending characters Tetsu-Ko and Bejeezus - were a gin-soaked eight year old magical space elf banana-laser gunbitch and a fat useless leprechaun. Cast into an online world where we could potentially natter and batter with the World's Finest, we ran into the chatroom, giving it a clarion cry of “Sneinton Posse!'” The tall, shades and crown-wearing gonk standing nearest to us turned around and shot us a look, and up popped the speech bubble, “Naaah - Meadows, guy!” Typical. The virtual world at our fingertips, and the first person we'd met was from a stone's throw up the road. So, of course we partnered up to go bust a cap in some Rag Rappys. Mid-end of level dragon bossfight, this dude's bloke stopped strafing about casting fireballs and just stood there stock still while we continued to rain the pain on behalf of Nott'nam honour. We, of course, were concerned - was the server usually this laggy? Turned out we were waiting for him to finish skinning up. You can take the gamer out of the Meadows to a planet far, far away but... yeah.
Oh, and the DVD that killed my Xbox? The Prophesy. Figures.
* Apart from platformers it seems. Me and platformers don't get on, ever since I played E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial as a little kid, really. I never did get out of that hole on the first screen. Deep. Although I did force myself to finish Shadowman. I was stuck on one bit for six months. Six Months!
**Besides, you'll need to get your ass to Mars first. Good luck with that bit.
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