“AYUP MEH DUCKS! Fost the Sunday Sport and nah the NOTW - wor is it with qualiteh Sunday papers?"
Penguin Viking
£8.99
Great House
Nicole Krauss
Orange Prize shortlister Nicole Krauss is married ter Jonathan Safran Foer – which meks ‘em litracha’s version of the Beckhams (but wi’out the cash). Her first book, The History of Love, wor abaht a lost manuscript, and Nazis. This one is abaht a lost desk, and Nazis. So she’s gorrabaht as much imagination as Damien Hirst and a jar of formaldehyde. The novel is set across four cities, past and present, wi’ five narrators – most of whom are miserable gets, cuz of their link ter this desk. But really it’s abaht how we furnish memories to mek sense of us crappy lives. She harps on abaht the burden of inheritance, but at least she wor left summat. When me mam popped ‘er clogs I wor left with her credit card bill! Wor I hate abaht books like this is they dun’t offer a simple resolution, so the reader has to do extra thinkin’ ta decide things aht for theirsen. The title has obvious religious connotations, but my advice is turn ta yer filth rabbi instead: Babestation. This connects ppl together and yer guaranteed a happy endin’ LOL!
Weidenfeld & Nicolson
£12.99
The Tiger’s Wife
Téa Obreht
This book won the Orange Prize, which must mean this twenty-five year old aufer has won unlimited text messages forever. Wicked prize! But it’s a bit hard for meh ta tell yer worrit’s all abaht, cuz I’m not too sure mesen. It’s another one of them smart-arse books that’s all ovver the shop. There’s two main characters; the deathless man who can predict when folk are going to snuff it and likes drinking water (he in’t even bovered if it in’t bottled or fizzeh; he sometime drinks it aht the tap), and this girl in a village who shacks up wi’ a tiger (which just goes ter show yer how mingin’ all the men must be). It’s set ovver sixty year, during the various wars in Yugoslavia (more friggin’ Nazis, then ) and is abaht how we embellish stories ter try and come to terms wi’ death, which, if ya ask meh, is no different ter them boy racers on our street who baz up their Nissan Micras ta mek out they’re loaded, wen we all know they wok at Lidl. Worrever helps ya sleep at night, though, in’t it?
Newscorp,
$7.6 billion
News of the World
Rupert Mudoch
After 168 years the Screws has finalleh folded, and it in’t cuz of digicul media. It’s cuz some hacks tapped in some phones and read private messages. But let’s be honest here - who ant nicked their knock-off’s phone an’ read their txts before? How else do ya find out the lyin’ get has been nobbin’ yer half-sister in the bogs in Yates’? I just dun’t get why everyone’s acting all surprised. Hello, how else do yer get the goss? Do ya think politician’s just ring yer up and say; ‘Ayup, I’m your local MP and I like suckin’ a prozzies toes'? Course not yer daft gets. Everyone is mekin’ aht it’s bad. But the implications for democraceh are massive - as massive as you know what, LOL! How else will we get ter read abaht the really important stuff in life, like fake sheiks, that Geordie famileh who had Tizer pumped through their water mains, and where all the evil paediatricians live. They think it’s all over, it is NAH. At least until the Sun on Sundeh.
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