Left 'Pie-On: August

IF YOUR TEAM’S PERFORMANCE LAST SEASON WAS A PUB IN TOWN, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Langtrys - its best days are behind it and it's full of moaning old boggers, but you can't help sneaking in there for a cheeky pint.

BEST MOMENT OF LAST SEASON

The 2-0 Carling Cup win over Southampton. A great team performance and a pleasure to see someone like Gareth Bale, a genuinely talented and seemingly level-headed footballer grace the Meadow Lane turf. 

WORST MOMENT OF LAST SEASON

With our home form as up and down  all season, it was mainly every other Saturday after you'd masticated your last mouthful of pie and settled down to the randomfest that manifested itself before you. 

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

Mike Edwards - calm and collected centre-half who (once Steve Thompson realised he wasn't a midfielder) spent three quarters of the season covering for the donkey captain he put in place. 

DEAD ‘OSS OF THE YEAR

That'll be said donkey captain Alan White.  Every time there was a substitution at Meadow Lane and the board went up, you could hear 2000 people in the Jimmy Sirrel Stand screaming; "NUMBER 5.  PLEASE LET IT BE NUMBER 5" 

IF YOUR MANAGER WAS A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY, WHO WOULD HE BE?

My Uncle David.  Likeable, jovial and overweight.  Thommo probably went to stay at his gaff in Cyprus for his holiday. 

WHAT’S THE PRESEASON BEEN LIKE?

At time of writing, we've not kicked a ball in anger, so that's probably a good thing.  We've a couple of friendlies lined up where anything can, and probably will, happen.

ANY NEW PLAYERS?

Paul Mayo - a versatile left back who has always impressed me when he's played against us for Lincoln.  Big bruiser "Hannibal" Hector Sam has arrived to play up front, and we've signed some 6ft 2" midfielder from Peterborough called Butcher.  Myles Weston, a tricky young winger who is too good for our division from Charlton, whilst I still can't say the name Spencer Weir-Daley without thinking he must have played Quidditch at Hogwarts.

WHO HAVE YOU GOT SHOT OF?

Fans favourite & pecced-up poseur David Pipe.  Ran his heart out for the team and will be missed by the fans for his commitment to the cause rather than his genuine footballing ability... 

ANY KIT CHANGES?

Of course.  The new one actually looks half-decent as it goes, not that a fat lad like me is the target market

WHAT’S THE STUPIDEST THING IN YOUR CLUB SHOP?

Those baby bibs that say "Notts County's Greatest Dribbler."  Do you get it?  'Dribbler' like a winger, you know, Adie Thorpe, Dave Smith, Steve Carter and also 'Dribbler' as in, he's a baby, he 'dribbles' his food!!!!LOL!!!

AT WHAT PRECISE DATE WILL YOU REALISE THE SEASON IS SHAGGED BEYOND REPAIR?

February 14th.  Romance in the air, alongside the unmistakable stench of mid-table mediocrity.

GIVE OUR INCOMING STUDENTS A REASON WHY THEY SHOULD COME TO YOUR GROUND

We're a moaning bunch, but we're a friendly bunch.  There's rarely any trouble in or around Meadow Lane.

SAY SUMMAT NICE ABOUT YOUR RIVAL CLUB

They've signed a former Notts player in the worryingly laid-back-at-times Kelvin Wilson.  I liked him.

FOREST AND NOTTS SHOULD REALLY MERGE AND PLAY IN A NICE NEW MEGABOWL IN CLIFTON, SHOULDN’T THEY?

They should if you're the city council and you've a greedy eye on the riverside development I suppose.  I'm not so sure the idea of a 35,000 stadium that rarely gets more than 20,000 for Fo*est and 5000 for Notts is that sensible though.

WHERE ARE YOU FINISHING THIS SEASON?

Anything short of the play-off will be seen by the majority of the fans as a disaster. 8th it is, then.

IN THE AFTERMATH OF THAT FRIENDLY AT MEADOW LANE, HAS THE FOREST-NOTTS RIVALRY GONE A BIT DARK?

Thankfully, it'll take more than a few 14-year-olds from Bulwell running away from a solitary fat Notts fan to get that type of nonsense going.

Share this article