Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)
You have all it takes to be successful and it won’t take a lot of effort to convince others to invest in your ideas. But if you need a cash injection and want to do it all by yourself, why not donate blood or semen or donate a limb? You have plenty to give.
Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
Skateboarders and fashion conscious youths of Nottingham, you can stop your jeans from falling halfway down and revealing your boxer shorts by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Someone is fighting a losing battle and you can see it even if they can’t. It just isn’t worth putting any further time into a dispute or contest when it is quite obvious you’ve already won. Any more punches to their face will look bad on your CV.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Struggling to get to work on time? Always taking breakfast in a rush? Why not cook your boiled egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid, which boils at 200°C?
Gemini (May 22 - June 22)
The owl and the pussy cat went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat. They ate and gabbed,
sang and played guitar – managing to stay afloat. Soon a pig and a turkey also joined the ride. Eventually they washed up ashore, went home and dried.
Cancer (June 23 - July 23)
Things will get complicated in a short space of time, but when a passion to do something new grips you, it must be followed. This is something you have to do, either alone or with the support of friends. But will they be up for cross-dressing too?
Leo (July 24 - August 23)
Today you will shed the dreamy image others sometimes pin on you and those who misjudge your abilities are in for a big surprise. The creative stages of a project are over. The time for one-handed juggling on a unicycle is now!
Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
You feel a strong urge to sort out areas which have been getting muddled over the past few
weeks. Your motivation is now so strong you could teach Derrick Evans a thing or two. Take this opportunity to re-organise your life. A prime time TV slot awaits.
Libra (September 24 - October 23)
It’s time to start booking up that beach holiday with the family! Remember that a small amount of cement added to the mix of a young relative’s sandcastle will ensure that his or her hard work is not ruined when the tide comes in.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Got company arriving? Want to put fresh toilet rolls on the spin to avoid bathroom-based
embarrassment? Why not use up your old half-used rolls by placing them in an empty tissue box. Either that or just burn them all.
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
Sick of pet odours around the house? Annoyed by the stench of cat poo while you’re munching on your breakfast cereal? Contact your local veterinarian immediately about having the little blighter put down.
Capricorn (December 23 - January 19)
I can’t believe you didn’t turn up, Chico! I thought we were a team? You left me there alone in the alleyway to dispose of them both with and blood all over my hands. I don’t like being put in those situations. You can expect a visit from me during the night, capeesh?