Leo (July 24 - Aug 23)
It’s true that whenever you come into contact with animals, they always seem to really like you. However, this is mainly because you’re fat and slow and thus will be easy to cut from the herd when your time comes.
Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Lots of people will tell you that all is fair in love and war. However, according to the Geneva Protocol of 1925 the use of chemical weapons is actually banned in both. Your partner's family will not get the joke.
Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
A wise man once said that astrology and palmistry are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Good news this week: after twenty years of enduring horrifying and unrelenting psychosexual nightmares, you will finally meet the man of your dreams.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
There’s almost certainly a more efficient way to get through life than the route you are currently taking. By this point you’re pretty used to just following any old conga line that goes by. Do-do-do, it’s conga night for sure.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
The very heavens themselves shall bestow their benevolence upon you this week, allowing you to take fifteen percent off selected main courses at a popular chain of restaurants. Your drinks bill will remain full price though.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 19)
You will be instrumental in disproving several popular theories over the next week. These will include the idea that laughter is good for you (not when your stomach has been stapled) and that a little fresh air never hurt anyone (thousands will die).
Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
At first the story the old zookeeper told you about how you were switched at birth seemed far-fetched. However, you have to admit that when you look around at work you are the only giraffe in the office.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
There will be other lips that I may kiss, but they won’t thrill me like yours used to do. Yes, I may dream a million dreams, but how can they come true if there will never ever be another you?
Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21)
The most difficult week of your life is coming up. But you can take heart from the knowledge that once you get through that, you’ll have something to remember during the next 1,872 uniformly boring seven-day instalments of life.
Gemini (May 22 - June 22)
If someone had told you a week ago that there was something even better than sex, you wouldn’t have believed them. This week, however, you will discover the joys of sex with other people.
Cancer (June 23 - July 23)
The ghost of Nicky Platnauer will appear to you in a dream to tell you he’s very disappointed in the person you have become. This will make you feel inadequate and force you to find out who Nicky Platnauer actually is.