Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Use adhesive tape to remove sticky labels. It is full of moisture and odour-free and works even on glossy paper. Simply rub or lightly scratch in the tape to lift as much of the price tag as possible. Repeat till the whole tag and sticky residue comes off. No-one will ever know it came from the pound shop.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
No matter how much you try and hide it, you’ve always had a problem adapting to new
technology. But any resistance you may have put up will come to a sudden end this week when 50,000 volts charge through your body in a soon to be Darwin Award-winning moment.
Gemini (May 22 - June 22)
Your fears of dying old and lonely will never be realised if you can learn to compromise with the birdwoman in the Market Square. If you accept her mysterious offer, you are guaranteed over a hundred of the city’s most vicious pigeons to keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
Cancer (June 23 - July 23)
You need to spend some time alone until a sudden phase passes. Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth in company something terrible happens. Don’t be unduly alarmed by this, but keep yourself to yourself until it is finished. What you’re suffering from is known
as food poisoning.
Leo (July 24 - August 23)
Each of us is here to discover our true self. Essentially we are spiritual beings who have
taken manifestation in physical form. We are not human beings that have occasional spiritual experiences, we are spiritual beings that have occasional human experiences. Your body is simply meat, but your mind is forever.
Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
As you get older your sense of your own lifetime changes and you realise everything you know is finite. Finding out that an old friend you haven’t seen in years has passed away is never going to be easy. Still, you are entitled to think of this week’s visit from a singing Elvis-o-gram as being a tad inappropriate.
Libra (September 24 - October 23)
Look after yourself during the last of the cold winter nights, as you need to keep your strength up. Life in 2008 will continue to feel like a juggling act when you’re forced to balance work, family, relationships, friends, a beanbag, two fiery sticks, a ball and a chainsaw.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
In a previous life you were a Roman soldier. Like one of the guys in 300, but much more skinny, ugly and weak. In those days life wasn’t so complicated with loans and mortgages and all the other bullshit financial pressures. Plus the clothes were much cooler and you got to fight big animals with spears.
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
Making love is something that should be done using the essence inside you, in more than just the most literal sense. While you were flattered that a previous partner frequently referred to you as the ‘sex machine’, the label is actually based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
Capricorn (December 23 - January 19)
Hey chico. You need to learn to sit back and let things wash over you sometimes. Too much information creates problems in your life and you already have your fingers in enough pies. Free the left hand and you can you can spare a thumb for the steak and kidney. Peter pointer likes his pastry.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)
Another calendar year is underway and offers you a chance to forget the events of the previous twelve months. You’re on the track to find some self-fulfilment now, so don’t let it slip out of your grasp. You know what you have to do. Get your head down and focus on your future.
Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
You always felt you were different from other people. You looked in wonder at their range of
emotions, but you never really felt them for yourself. This feeling of isolation will be vindicated this month as strange growths appear on your back. You are part reptile and these are your new be easy. Still, you are entitled to think of this week’s visit from a singing Elvis-o-gram as being a Pterodactyl wings.