FAO Jeremy Kyle
Viewer Services
ITV Plc
Gas Street
Birmingham
B1 2JT
Dear Jeremy,
I am writing to you today because it has been suggested once or twice in the past that I might suffer from a mildly uncontrollable anger. Although I do not feel that this has particularly effected my life to date, I am rather keen to address this issue.
Rather than deal with said issues in a traditional fashion, I have been toying with the idea of channelling my rage in a more productive direction. And with this in mind, I was wondering if you might be able to offer me a little advice and guidance.
Having watched your television show on various occasions, it occurred to me that I might have overlooked what could potentially blossom into a successful career. I have been studying the techniques you employ when interviewing guest’s, and I am quite confident that I also have what it takes to shout and yell in a patronising manner at societies less intellectually fortunate. I am sure that once I have gotten into my stride, I would also feel comfortable in throwing DNA results at petrified young men dressed in track suits. Just like yourself though, I would insist that a burly security guard be present while I reveal lie detector test results and shout “why don’t you just look after the baby and stop sleeping with your neighbours mum?”
After researching into possible college courses, I have unfortunately drawn a blank, and I am now confused as to which way to turn. I hope you might be so kind as to enlighten me about how you achieved your current position. How did you get your foot on that first rung? Would you perhaps suggest that I attend a local council meeting, and have a stab at public shouting myself? Or perhaps I could attend a recording of your show and yell “you’re no good for her” and “why don’t you get off the ganga and get a job?” from the safety of the audience.
I would also like to point out that I was bullied at school and have no friends. I feel this fact will also assist me in my pursuit of a professional self righteous holier than thou shouting career.
I sincerely hope that you might be able to point me in the right direction, and I look forward to your reply.
Regards,
Mat...........
