What Notts: Strange News in Nottingham

Click to enlarge. illustration: Rikki Marr

FROZEN DELIVERY
Imagine: it’s a warm day in June – the sun is shining, the weather is sweet. You trot to the freezer for a Cornetto, and out you pull a bleddy finger. That’s a real possibility for the folks working at the National Repository Centre based at the City Hospital. The facility stores frozen body parts for surgeons to practise on. They’ve recently gained permission to transport them across the country – obviously good news, but still kinda creepy…

NOTTS FIREFIGHTER SAVES SYRIAN BABY
Nottingham, we’ve got a hero on our hands and he goes by the name of Brendan Woodhouse. The firefighter is a member of the East Midlands Solidarity group, an organisation that offers aid to victims of the Syrian Refugee crisis. Mr Woodhouse was volunteering in Greece, keeping an eye out for refugees arriving by boat in the night. When a dinghy with 35 refugees collided with rocks as it approached the shore, Brendan dove in, and rescued a five month old baby from the carnage.

GLEE vs GLEE
Glee Club have been locked in a perilous legal battle over the last few years with all-singing, all-dancing US TV show, Glee, and it looks like they’re winning. According to the comedy club, folk have stopped turning up to catch the jokest boys and girls in the biz, ‘cos they’ve been right put off by the teen show. High Court judges ruled in favour of the show changing its name, but Murdoch’s Fox entertainment have appealed the verdict. C’mon, David. Show this Goliath who’s boss.

BANK ROBBEREH
Summat proper dodge has gone down in a Lloyds TSB bank branch over in Netherfield. The branch was robbed of bare p, with the culprits still to be found. Proper suspicious. We reckon someone’s jetting around the Maldives looking pretty chuffed with themselves, with Mrs Moppet’s pension funding their champagne and caviar breakfasts. Or maybe they’ve just treated ‘emsens to a new sub-woofer. Yanno, it is Netherfield...

BIEN FAIT, PAUL
Our Paul’s only gone and bagged himsen a proper bad boy award over in the fashion capital of the bleddy world. Yep, France has offered Mr Smith their highest honour for his contributions to French fashion. The pin-striped pioneer received the rank of Officer in the Order of the Legion d’Honneur award. If that ain’t cause for an oo-er, we don’t know what is.

NOTT NEWS
We don’t know what is gwarning with local news in the general Nottingham area, but you lot are being proper dry. If you’re not robbing each other blind, you’re moaning over Tesco deciding to straighten out their bleedin’ croissants. Whatever shape they are, whack a load of butter on and shove ‘em in your pissing gobs. And don’t open ‘em again until you decide to do summat proper for the city so we’ve got a thing or two that’s half decent to write about.

GRADE ERROR
Bless the little cottons of the sixty-odd kiddos in our city who, after revising their bums off, opened their envelope only to find that the A grades they were expecting were nowhere to be found, and C to E grades were in their place. The poor blighters at West Notts college were initially cheated of their rightful grades, but thanks to a good kick up the arse from the school, exam boards had a rethink and remarked the papers.

BATTERING THE COMPETITION
We’re landlocked and the fish in the Trent look too much like Blinky from The Simpsons for us to consider eating them, yet we somehow manage to keep afloat in the fish and chip stakes. The Cod’s Scallops in Wollaton bagged themselves a very decent third place in this year’s National Fish and Chip Awards. Don’t know what they’re playing at in places where the fish is fresher than a sea breeze up your skirt on a winter’s day. But who cares, if chippies still wrapped with newspaper, we’d be proud if they used ours.