WHO LET THE DOGS OUT
Notts is not the place for posties, apparently. According to figures released by the Royal Mail, Postman Pats and Patricias are more likely to have their ankles nibbled in Notts than anywhere else in the country. There were 68 reports of attacks on posties in areas with an NG postcode last year, and they ain’t happy about it. Do ‘em a favour and keep yer pooches in the kitchen. Ta.
SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE
Nottingham, there’s a new mayor in town, and he goes by the name of Councillor Mohammed Saghir. Formerly in office as the Sheriff of Nottingham, he and the former Mayor, Councillor Jackie Morris, are doing a proper role swap, as she takes on the title of Sheriff for the next twelve months. There’s a reality TV show in there somewhere, we can smell it.
CUT IT OUT
We know a large proportion of the planet seems to have taken all the bonkers drugs at the same time, but Nottingham doesn’t need to join in. With at least sixteen stabbings in the past year in Hoodtown, there are too many people running around and skewering each other with knives. Not the way we want things to go down. We managed to stop shooting at each other, so let’s be leaving the kitchen utensils where they belong, please.
RUG RADAR
Single women of Nottingham, it’s time to ditch the dating apps. If you want a man, all you gorra do is pop over to Victoria Embankment where there’s a host of Gypsy Persian rug specialists patiently awaiting your arrival. The blokes have popped to Notts especially for our ladies, saying “We came here for the girls. The girls in Nottingham are great”. Too right they are. Stacey from Bulwell, this is your chance to find romance.
BIRTHDAY BUD
A pair of creps, a couple of games for your PlayStation, or if you’ve really been treated, a brand spankin’ new telly. That’s what folk normally spend their birthday money on. But when Mark Dickens was gifted some dollar for his 27th birthday, he decided to splash out on over 53 grams of green, only to be caught red handed and slapped with a £185 fine. Not the best use of your birthday bucks, eh Mark.
HORSIN’ AROUND
If you ever wondered what a Shetland or Shire trotter was thinking as it carried a fat, old bloke about, then you’ll love this. Scientists at the University of Nottingham have been locked in their stalls inventing a stellar device that matches the activity of a horse to its mood. Smart stuff. Now, with this ‘HABIT software’ jobber, you’ll know whether or not a horse wants a sugar cube or for you to get of its bleddy back.
SICK RUNNINGS
After chucking ‘emsens over sixty different obstacles and swimming through open water and a hella sludge, competitors who took part in the X-Runner event at the National Water Sports Centre have been struck down with the plops and projectile vomiting. Nine people from a team of eleven have been taken ill, but X-Runner are adamant that the water was perfectly fine. Yeah, tell that to ‘em when they’re bobbin’ their brains out.
NEW HOOD IN TOWN
You’ll all be familiar with the bow and arrow-clad chap that potters his way about the Lace Market, taking swigs from his wine bladder as he leads tourists about the place. But he’s got competition – there’s a new Hood in town, and he’s taken up residence in Sherwood Forest as part of the ‘Robin Hood Experience’. We reckon they should have a rap battle to determine who is the truest Hood of all.
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