My phone goes off – it’s probably my family wondering why I’ve skipped the last eleven Zoom catch-ups. Wait, no. It’s a notification from Deliveroo. They’ve put a new contact-free service in place in order to minimise the ri…
That’s all the information I need, thank you. My brain had hardly finished processing the information before the app is open and I’m scrolling through what, just moments before, felt like the most forbidden of fruit. My eyes land on The Filthy Vegan, who are offering a superb £25 Payday Bonanza special. This is kismet.
The deal included two giant meat-free kebabs (each is meant to serve two), curly fries and a milkshake. Jesus, a vegan milkshake. It’s been too long my friend.
I tell myself that the serving size is probably just hyperbole, and convince my wife of the same. “Let’s just share one,” she argues, sensibly. “But you don’t like cucumber,” I counter, “And I can’t possibly have a kebab without cucumber. Plus, it’s a DEAL!” An impressively short amount of time later, and I’m staring at a mountain of food that would embarrass Mr Creosote. With a deep breath of fake confidence, I assure my wife, who I’d just inadvertently entered an eating contest with, that we haven’t been excessive, still clinging to the cucumber argument like a lifebuoy.
As intimidating as this edible Everest is, the first mouthful is sublime. Moist, delicious soya meat is complemented with sriracha and mayo, all topped with enough salad to feed a farm. Without wanting to tiptoe into hyperbole, the soya kebab pieces were one of the nicest meat replacements I’d ever eaten. And while naan bread is notoriously bad at travelling, this retained all of the warmth and softness you’d expect at a restaurant, wrapping around the generous filling like a big delicious duvet.
I made it about three-quarters of the way through before my hubris was punished with an admission of defeat. This was Man vs. Food, and food had won. Comprehensively. The pain of greed was only matched by the agony of knowing how much of that incredible kebab wasn’t going to get finished. As I glanced over to my wife, proudly displaying an empty plate with a wry smile, my humiliation was complete. Same again next Friday, yeah?