Ten worst things about Christmas

10 Worst things about Christmas
By Roger Mean

 1. The pubs are too full. I don't need the time of year for an excuse to go out drinking until late! the rest of you are just tourists.

 2. Pretending to like shit presents. "Well Auntie Mavis, how on earth did you know I always wanted a hand knitted mohair straightjacket? How thoughtful of you!"

 3. Having to buy everyone else presents. How many kids have your brothers and sisters got now? How expensive are 'safe' little children's toys and clothes!?

 4. Repetitive TV. I don't know about you, but if I see The Upper Hand Christmas special one more time I am going to hunt down and maim Joe McGann.

 5. Santa Claus wears red because of coca cola. Yes, its true! Before those merchants of tooth decaying juice used him in their marketing campaigns, Saint Nicholas was widely thought to wear green and white, like his elves. 

 6. Spending time with my family. Jesus wept!!

 7. Christmas decorations. You stumble in home late after the pub and get attacked by tinsel. You tread on one of the Christmas tree lights and they all go out.

 8. Carol singers. If you turn up on my doorstep and start making that racket again this year I'm going to call the police like last time.

 9. Christians. We only agree to celebrate it because they let us have time off work for it. Don't be giving me any of this frankincense and myrrh crap!

 10. The Queens speech. Who the fuck does she think she is?