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May Contain Notts: Feb-March 2006

1 April 06 words: Al Needham

Forest lose again, liver disease figures double, Robin Hood gets done for drug dealing and Mike Tyson pays a visit to Mansfield

Feb 1
Another month, another Forest defeat (this time a 1-0 loss to Milton fucking Keynes). Megson: "I am not a quitter and have no intention of packing it in.” Ahem.

Feb 2
Six local hoolies are banned from attending Notts County games. And no, we’re not going to make the obvious joke.
Feb 4
Hospital admissions for alcoholic liver disease in Nottingham have doubled in the last five years; we’re the East Midlands’ biggest pissheads after Corby. If you’ve ever been to Corby, you’ll know why.
Feb 6
Syphilis in Nottingham has risen 2950% in four years, thanks to middle-aged wife-swappers and chatty bastards barebacking prossies. Ugh.
Feb 7
The Castle gets a new and dead massive flagpole. The last one fell down a cliff.
Feb 14
PC Rachel Bown is shot investigating a break-in in Lenton. PC Bown is currently making a full recovery and intends to return to work as soon as possible.

Feb 15
The Council announce plans to spend £350,000 on a thousand new bins. Fucking hell…that’s £350 each. No wonder your binman wears a big fuck-off gold chain.
Feb 16
After one win in ten games and a 3-0 spanking by Oldham, Gary Megson finally packs it in at Forest. Sigh.

Feb 17
The prime suspect in the Rachel Bown shooting is nicked at Heathrow.
Carl Froch successfully defends his Commonwealth title for the ninth time but a bicep injury rules him out of a March fight against Brian Magee.  

Feb 19
Forest’s first away win in eight and a half months, beating Port Vale 2-0. Babies have been carried to term from conception in the time that Forest were shite on the road.
Feb 22
Great news for bad hairdressers, twatty clobber shops and owners of bars that play nothing but the Arctic Fucking Monkeys in Ningo, North-East China – Nottingham University opens a new campus there.
Feb 24
Another kick in the bollocks by the stat-men: Nottingham is the fourth worst area in the UK for teen pregnancies, beaten only by Lambeth, Southwark and our evil nemesis Hull, who always beat us in shit like this.
Feb 25
Forest absolutely mash down Swindon 7-0.
Feb 27
Nottingham is named the culinary capital of UK by MSN, with more world cuisine available per square mile than anywhere else. Apparently, you could run out of a different Indian restaurant without paying every week for the next three years, or have a random fight outside a different chippy for the next 18 months.
Mar 3
Another man is arrested for the Danielle Beccan murder.
Mar 6
The Evening Post prints a scathing review of the American band Staind's performance at Rock City. Nothing unusual about that, because they’re cack. Unfortunately, the gig hadn’t even taken place yet, Ooer…
Mar 8
A shortage of croupiers cripples the city, with Casinos having to recruit from overseas. Apparently, young employees just refuse to work the anti-social hours, and it’s nothing to do with not wanting to be spat at by fucked-off taxi-drivers or told to ‘die in the street’ by local restauranteurs.
Mar 8
Notts County’s young defender Kelvin Wilson goes to Preston North End on loan, with a view to a permanent move. Fee undisclosed, but rumoured to be around £150,000 up front with a similar amount based upon appearances.
Mar 10
There’s a fatal stabbing in Radford. Again.
Mar 13
The shame of it; Robin Hood (or an actor who used to play him at Tales of Robin Hood) gets three years for cocaine trafficking. We always wondered what that bloke in green tights hanging about pub toilets in town was up to.
Mar 14
The ‘Assassination City’ bollocks rears its ugly head again as the Stirland –double murder trial opens. Eight local blokes are on trial.
Mar 16
There’s a drive-by shooting in Old Basford, when some poor sod on a bike gets on the wrong end of a shotgun.
Mar 17
This month’s hero; Mark Peachey of Mansfield, renowned for finding twats trying to rob his house, chasing after them, and tying ‘em up with the cord of his dressing gown. In one incident, he only had his jeans on when he discovered one of the fuckers, so he went back, got changed, and still caught the bastard.
Mar 18
A second man is arrested for the Marvin Bradshaw shooting (which led to the Stirland murders, if you’ve got your Nottingham Murder wallchart all mixed up).
Mar 22
Mike Tyson visits Mansfield, for some do or other. A wife-beating seminar, or summat.
Mar 25
County’s brickie-turned-striker Steve Scoffham suffers a suspected broken leg during defeat against Northampton Town. Forest do Milton fucking Keynes 3-0. 

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