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The Comedy of Errors

May Contain Notts: Aug - Sept '07

1 October 07 words: Al Needham

Notts vs Forest friendly game not so friendly, Colin Gunn gets another nine years, Gordon Ramsey is in town and Sherwood bear is no more...

30 July
The friendly between Forest and Notts finishes with loads of chatty Forest youths taking advantage of the ‘Give up having your McDonalds burger that you live on and spend it on pretending to be Danny Dyer instead, you window-licking wastes of sperm’ deal (otherwise known as Kids for a Quid) and running on the pitch, only to be chased off by loads of fat Dads in stripy shirts, capturing the Forest-Notts dichotomy perfectly.

2 August
Colin Gunn gets another nine years whacked on his life sentence, after being charged with bent copperage. Loads of articles in the national press, basically saying what half of Notts have known for the past ten years. Look for ITV to start filming his life story very soon, probably with Grant Mitchell or that nob out of Soldier Soldier. “Eh AP, moi DAK – where’s t’MANNOY for t’DROOGS?” etc.

4 August
The Post reveals that six members of local criminal gangs applied to join the police force last year. Instead of applauding them for turning their back on their old ways and volunteering to help old ladies across the road and tell folk what the time is, the Post uncharitably speculate that they were actually trying to infiltrate the Force for nefarious purposes, before going back to relentlessly plugging their 32-page Colin Gunn special.

5 August
A mouth-breather from Langley Mill who obviously believes everything Jeremy Clarkson says, the bell-end, gets jailed for 8 weeks for bombing down the A610, thinking he’s been caught by a speed camera, nipping home to get a circular saw, decapitating said camera, and hiding it in his back garden. When the coppers recover it, they find it hadn’t caught him at all.

6 August
Another accolade for our lovely hometown, as the Royal Bank of Scotland announces that thanks to rising living costs and limited job opportunities, Nottingham is the least cost-effective place in the UK for students. Damn, who would have thought that shoehorning yourself into a ponce-box in the Lace Market, rubbish haircuts that look like me when I was 14 and had just got out of bed and £8 salads in Hockley would be so costly?

7 August
Some poor cow from Highbury Vale gets slapped with a whopping £522 fine for dropping a nub-end in the Not As New As It Was A Month Ago Old Market Square. Jesus, how big was it, then? Was it blocking the trams or summat?

8 August
Everyone gets pathetically excited over the fact that Gordon Ramsay is in town to film a new episode of his TV show, I'm An Aryan-Looking Tosser Who Treats People Like Shit In Order To Hide The Fact That I Do A Girl’s Job.

9 August
The Council and local police jump up and down with understandable glee at their new state-of-the-art A-Team van, the latest weapon in the War On Nob-ends In Tracksuits. Utilising cutting-edge battlefield technology, the van will be able to track the trajectory and velocity of a rosebud as it leaves Tezzy D’s chatty hand and bounces off someone’s window.

10 August
The Health Protection Announces that Nottingham’s collective genitals have got approximately 25% scabbier over the past few years, with chlamydia, herpes, syphilis and warts doing very nicely in Notts, thanks. Take a tip from Mr Sex, kids: yes, johnnies do take away a lot of sensation, but the main sensation it takes away is the one next morning of absolute terror that you’ve got someone you don’t really know up the stick. Sermon over.

11 August
The football season begins in controversy as Nottingham Forest release long-standing mascot Sherwood the Bear on a free transfer. "Sherwood Bear was a popular character, but in all honesty, some children were a little bit scared of him. He was a bear after all", says chief executive Mark Arthur. What, was he going round biting people’s faces off and scavenging out of their snap tins, or was he a Bear in the NG1 sense of the word? Fact: the only thing young Forest supporters are scared of is being stuck with following a rammell club in Division Three and getting laughed at in the playground by kids with Man United and Chelsea pencil cases. The new mascot is Robin Hood. He has a whacking great Capital One logo on his chest. Think about that for a minute.

16 August
Skegness, our spiritual homeland, catches fire – presumably when two fluffy gonks in one of those crane machines on the seafront rub together too much. In 2,000 years time, there will be an exhibition in the British Museum of sarcophaguses of people in knocked-off Playboy bra tops and Union Jack shorts whose bodies were perfectly preserved in a layer of molten stripy rock, and a sheet of fused copper from the tuppenny waterfalls will be gazed upon in awe.

24 August
Jesse Jackson visits Nottingham, and gets the audience at a meeting to repeat; “I may be on the dole! But I am! Somebody! I may come from Bulwell! But I am! Somebody! I may go to Jumpin’ Jak’s on a Friday night for the fanneh! But I am! Somebody! I may support Notts County! But I am! Somebody!”

30 August
Crane accident. Wince.

7 September
The city’s gourmands get all excited by the opening of Yo! Sushi. Note to Viccy Fish Market; rebrand to Ayup! Raw Fish immediately.

10 September
A new report on Nottingham’s gang problem reveals a territorial feud marked out by postcodes, which makes the Crips having a go at someone in red suddenly seem rational and understandable. Here’s my solution – give the owners of NG1 enough money to open three spin-off clubs in the city. Let’s see how these 'gangstas' like walking around with the name of a Gay club tattooed on their necks.

12 September
Rubbish useless shitty ITV announce that they’re going to re-merge the East and West Midlands news services after 25 years of autonomy, which is great news if you don’t mind having to sit through 15 minutes of news stories about badly kids and skateboarding rabbits from Birmingham and Coventry before getting 2 minutes about something that happened in your own fucking town. Then again, they’ve been broadcasting our news from Birmingham for ages, so who gives a toss? And please don’t tell me you really thought they operated from a floating island in the middle of the Trent…

14 September
Money-grubbing sponsorship whore-bag Robin Hood takes the piss again, this time by allowing Experian – Experian, for God’s sake - to sponsor his marathon. He might as well just go for the hat-trick and have the Inland Revenue branded on his forehead, the sell-out bitch.

18 September
Leicester and Gary Megson sportingly give Forest a goal start at the beginning of the replayed League Cup match. Which is nice, seeing as when he was Forest manager, he pretty much did the same for everyone else.

19 September
The Square announces a new facility over Christmas that hasn’t been seen there before. No, not a fountain that actually works – an ice rink. And don’t forget - if it gets too busy, the slide of frozen piss down Mansfield Road will be fully operational as always.

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