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May Contain Notts: June-July 2008

3 August 08 words: Al Needham

Kris Commons and Robert Earnshaw swap clubs, NTU unveil Parky as new Chancellor, Steve Green retires

June 2
Derby County nick Kris Commons off Forest.

June 4
Forest buy Robert Earnshaw off Derby.

June 5
Notts County take delivery of a chest freezer in 'decent enough condition' from an advert in the Topper.

June 9
A couple from Hucknall get caught in Turkey trying to get shot of fake bank notes. Apparently, the authorities were alerted to the forgery by the words 'SUM MUNNEH' and a watermark of Su Pollard when held to the light.

June 12
Nottingham Trent announce a big name as their new Chancellor. No, not Su Pollard (because I've already done that joke) - Michael Parkinson. LeftLion is currently organising a whip-round to give to the first graduating student to ram an Emu puppet onto their arm and slowly take their certificate out of his hand, whilst flexing their fingers a bit to make him look as if he's snarling. 

June 16
Bulwell Golf Course - otherwise known as 'The Golfeh' - is threatened with closure after nasally respiratory-challenged locals keep ripping across it on those shitty mini-motos that make the rider look as if he's trying to give himself a nosh. Solution? Turn it into a rifle range.

June 20
Steve Green - the much-maligned (by us, anyway) Chief Constable of the Shire - retires, stating that drugs and drink-related crime are the top priorities for the force. Crikey. And there was me thinking they were quite reasonably paid.
June 23
Nottingham University unveils Aspire, the UK's biggest free-standing structure and a huge 'fuck off' to the Angel of the North and Nelson's Column. Depending on your point of view, it's either symbolic of Nottingham's driving ambition (in which case, it should have been a 50-foot chipped digibox with a huge pair of tits on it), or the world's most unusable waste paper bin. Still, it's not as if we paid for it, so shut up, us.

June 26
Two vermin from Arnold force their way into a kiddies party and nick cash and a computer. One of them cries uncontrollably afterwards because he wanted the computer and he never wins anything and its not fair, wets himself, and gets sent home without any jelly or a Spongebob party bag.

June 27
Neil Entwistle gets sent down.

June 30
A shitbag and his girlfriend get done for trafficking women from the Far East into rented properties in Aspley, Sherwood and Sutton-in-Ashfield, causing the Post to thunder - extremely rightfully - against prostitution. Let us hope that they didn't accept adverts from these scumbags in the Personal Services section of their classifieds. Because that would be horrible, wouldn't it?

July 1
More local newspaper dodginess a gwan, as the latest issue of the Recorder carries an advert looking for people to star in 'Adult movies'. Jesus in a jumpsuit - whenever someone usually advertises for hardcore in the Recorder, they usually want to get shot of a ton of it from their front drive, not actually make it. My own Mam actually rang me up and pointed it out to me. That's how shit my life is at the moment.

July 2
Notts County midfielder Neil McKenzie begins a run on Countdown that lasts an entire week, disproving the myth that all footballers are thick. Just for Neil and any other Notts supporters out there - and just for fun - here's another conundrum for you to work out;


July 3
A tarantula dies in a house fire in Bestwood.

July 7
A woman from Hucknall gets a police caution for smuggling endangered spur-thighed tortoises into the country from Tunisia in pizza boxes. So if any of you rang up for some garlic doughballs the other month and found them a bit too deep-crust for your liking, now you know why.    

July 8
And completing the animal-badness hat-trick, thirty six grand's worth of koi carp get nicked from the Japanese Water Gardens in Stapleford. So if you chucked away your garlic doughballs and had to take out a second mortgage just to pay for some fish, chips and mushy peas, now you know why.

July 9
Following the tragic demise of Bar Schnapps - the greatest licensed corridor in the world - Gatecrasher gets its application to stay open until 6.30am knocked back. 24-hour city, my arse.

July 11
Tales of Robin Hood make the appalling discovery that they've actually had a lap-dancing licence for the past three years, even though they didn't ask for one and are not going to use it. And good show to that, I hate the places. What, duck? You're offering to wipe your fanny on me best trousers, and I'm expected to give you a tenner for it?  

July 14
Entertainingly violent pisshead of the bi-month: the chap in Beeston who wasn't really listening when The Godfather was on and threatens police by telling them they are going to 'swim with the fishes' as they arrest him. He later demanded that they 'make way for the naughty lad' and stated that 'this town is like a great big arse, just waiting to be wiped'.

July 22
Jeremy Kyle nearly provides a Nottinghamshire road with enough blood to fill ten year's worth of DNA tests when his car flips over and lands upside-down in a Retford ditch. Now we need someone to offer Trisha enough money to do a motorbike jump over the Trent.

July 23
Someone who set fire to a burger van in town - which consequently set fire to a nearby building, causing a million pound's worth of damage - gets sent down for four years. His reason for doing it? To cover up the fact that him and his mates had nicked a load of duddoos from out the van. Note to Channel Five: commission a new series called CSI: Thick Twats. 

July 24
Two mouth-breathers from Newark get sent to the Naughty House for attempting to kidnap an ex-girlfriend using an air pistol and a Dalek voice-changer after the relationship went stale. Quite an apposite tool, really; Daleks have problems getting their missuses up the stairs too.

July 28
A rat-boy from Sneinton faces trial for petrol-bombing two houses - including his own Mam's - in St Anns. Has he not been watching the news, then? He could have flown in a Mafia hit-man from Las Vegas and saved himself enough cash to buy a dozen manky tracksuits. 

July 29
Sad news from Hollywood, where it is announced that Naddinghayum, the next cinematic squeeze of the Robin Hood tea-bag, has been indefinately shelved due to script concerns, location logistics, writer union unrest, and the realisation that it would have been an unmitigated bag of dog's arseholes with rammell accents.


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