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May Contain Notts: Oct-Nov 2008

1 December 08 words: Al Needham

Clough statue unveiled, Vienna closes, Slanty N banished, police write to hooligans and the Dalai Lama pays Notts a visit

Sept 28
Mr Sex’s dad is one of the people who escaped fiery death when the Balford Conservative Club skittle team’s coach bursts into flames on the way back from a day out in Whitby. He was more pissed off about leaving two cans of bitter on the back seat, and tried to lead a heroic yomp across the moors to find a pub, despite being told not to by the police.

Sept 30
Jo and Twiggy, the D-list celebrities of local radio broadcasting, split up. Let’s have a minute of silence from Radio Trent. Actually, make it a century. Or two.

Oct 1
Goose Fair. Is it me, or is it getting smaller every year? By the year 2038, someone will go for a walk across the Forest and accidentally tread on it.

Oct 2
The Council reveal that they’ve over-spunked the building of the Market Square and Nottingham Contemporary by a million quid each. Come on, it’s easily done. You know what it’s like - some sales rep comes round to sell you an arts centre, then he says he’ll
even chuck in a free extension and he’ll split his commission, but you’ll have to sign this form right now before his boss finds out. And you end up with a big pile of bricks and Capital One are on your arse.

Oct 3
Waitrose announce that they are moving into that munting new building in Trinity Square - y’know, the one that makes you feel like you’re in East Germany in the seventies when you go past the back of it.

Oct 5
Hang on a minute - Conservative Club? You class traitor, Dad! I knew there was summat suspect about you when you belted me for chucking a leaflet back in the Tory candidate’s face during the 1983 General Election and wouldn’t let me go to Youth Club for a month. And no, I don’t care that you only go there because the ale’s cheap. I have no father.

Oct 7
Jimmy Sirrel gets a right good send-off at St Mary’s, with David Pleat, Laurie McNenemy, Dave McKay, and Alex Ferguson in attendance. The latter even refrains from doing his usual pointing-atwatch-and-screaming-like-slapper-outside-Jumpin’-Jaks-for-taxi
routine at the vicar.

9 Oct
The Dalai Lama gives away over sixty grand to charity after making an unexpected profit on his week in Nottingham. Apparently, a coach party from Clifton saw all the Buddhas on display, and thought ‘Ooh, that looks like ah Dad I’ll gerrim one for Christmas’.

Oct 10
More grief for the Council, as they confirm that they’ve lost over £42m in Icelandic banks. Which is almost as much as Bulwell spends in Iceland whenever there’s buy-one-get-one-free on oven chips.

Oct 16
An eight year-old lad from Aspley gets done for making a knife in class out of a blade from a pencil sharpener stuck in a biro case. Kids today, eh? When I was his age, we were making Death Stars from the tops of cat food tins and chucking ‘em at the doors of the
boiler room, or putting handfuls of fibre-glass down each other’s back. We made our own fun in them days.

Oct 18
Nottingham’s chatty kids get another slap-down when it’s revealed they have the mankiest teggehs in the country, with their dental health being 35 years behind the rest of the country. This means our kids have seventies teeth. Flared teeth. With Bay City Rollers tartan on them.

Oct 19
A church on Talbot Street announce that they have planning permission to erect a bleddy massive 65-metre cross that will tower over the city, meaning that the pavement outside Rock City will be sticky with liquefied Goth next decade.

Oct 22
Nottingham gets £650,000 of government money to deal with anti-social kids. Hopefully, they’ll spend it all on a giant Dad’s fist mounted on a lorry that gets driven around estates and shakes violently at youths, whilst a 200db sound system broadcasts the words “Ah know where yer live, yer little boggers!” over and over again.

Oct 24
A man in Mapperley claims to see a UFO. No-one believes him. Meanwhile, in a pub 34,000,000 light years away, a three-headed purple-skinned alien in a pub gets laughed at by his mates when he claims to have seen Mapperley. “No, I did! It was all flashing! There was a golf club and everything!”

Oct 27
Police send letters to violent Forest and Derby fans, asking them not to be naughty at the forthcoming game. Then they do a mailshot to dogs that reads “Er, could you stop sniffing each other’s arseholes, please?”

Oct 31
Nottingham breaks the world record for most zombies in one place at the same time, in the Market Square. It will break the record again next month, when Primark has its January Sale.

Nov 1
Some youth on his way to a fancy dress party as Rambo gets put on lockdown by Babylon for having a plastic knife on him. The coppers’ll regret that in five years time when he comes back for revenge with a plastic rocket launcher, bought from Poundland.

Nov 2
The Derby derby. Ha ha ha! Phew.

Nov 4
The Slanty ‘N’, that much-maligned consonant, is finally toppled by the City Council. In its place will probably be more banging on about Robin Hood, but I’ve sent in a drawing of Su Pollard with a call centre headphone jammed into one ear and an NG3 tattoo on her neck to the council. I’m quietly confident.

Nov 6
The Brian Clough statue is unveiled, and the very mintness of it is only slightly tempered by Gary Newbon telling thousands of people how great it was to be back in Birmingham, the sucky get. As someone next to me said; “Eeh, it’s dead funneh aah he absolutely fookin’ ‘ated half the bastards up there on that stage.”

Nov 12
Vienna, that posh new restaurant across the way from the Square, shuts down after only three months, which is a damn shame because it was skill! My mate had a pigeon leg lollipop when we went in. We felt a bit guilty when we went past the picket line of pigeons in wheelchairs giving us cut-eye looks, mind.

Nov 18
The BNP membership list is published online, giving all the opportunity to put names and addresses to the mouth-breathers who write brain-meltingly cretinous rammell on the Post’s lamentable website. Unsurprisingly, Mansfield tops the list (where it would have been easier to publish who isn’t in the BNP), while Long Eaton, Beeston, and all the other bits of banjo-country bring up the rear. Congratulations, Bestwood, Aspley, The Park, Radford, Lady Bay and Strelley - you are vermin-free.

Nov 21
Nottingham knocks back plans to have an elected mayor when only 89 people bother to respond to a public consultation. Balls! I was going to run for it. I would have gone on the batter in town with me chain on, made it illegal to stand outside a McDonalds thinking you’re rock without wearing tiger face-paint and holding a balloon, and would have put a UFC fighting cage in the Square every Saturday night. You missed your chance, Nottingham, and it’s your own fault.

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