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May Contain Notts: Dec 2007 - Jan 2008

1 February 08 words: Al Needham

Life-size cut-outs of Brian Blessed get stolen, Jermaine Pennant's dad gets sent down, Prince William pops up in the Pitcher and Piano and a former pop star becomes a copper

1 December
My my, to Havant and Waterlooville Notts County did surrender. Oh yeah. They met their destiny in the usual familiar way. The Football Post up on the shelf. Is always repeating itself. Etc.

3 December
The time of everyone involved in the local legal system is wasted by two slack-jawed yokel cousins from Eastwood who decide to liven up a dull evening in one of the more horrible bars around the Square by having a play-fight with pool balls in socks. Next time you’re in the pub and you’re having a moan about Babylon, recall this story and remember; this is what the police have to deal with every fucking day. If your Mam’s been burgled again, and it’s taken the coppers ages to come round, don’t blame New Labour or the council or the New World Order; it’s because they’ve had to wipe the arses of a couple of window-lickers from the more mediaeval parts of Nottinghamshire who decided to have a game of Human Conkers in order to work out which one of them was the Daddy-Uncle-Brother.

4 December
Members of the Sherwood Foresters march through town after returning from Afghanistan. They are watched by 10,000 people – half as many than the turnout for BBC Radio Nottingham presenter Dennis McCarthy’s funeral. That’s not right, is it?

6 December
Two life-sized cutouts of Brian Blessed get nicked in town. As you are reading this, somewhere in a bedroom in Nottingham, a woman is smoking a fag in a post-coital haze, pausing every now and then to put her arms around two Brian Blessed cut-outs, going ‘Ha Ha Haaaaaa!” and shaking them until their strap-ons wobble like sunflowers in the breeze.

7 December
A pinheaded bell-end from the Meadows gets four years in the naughty house after going to his girlfriend’s house out of his mash on space drugs and magic monkey juice, banging on the door, threatening to kill everyone inside if they called ‘the feds’, forcing his way into the house and then falling down the stairs after trying to nick a handbag. It was only when he left that he realised he’d got the wrong house entirely.

11 December
The Kitchen Nightmares episode set in the Curry Lounge on Parliament Street is aired on Channel 4, featuring loads of shots of Gordon Ramsay poncing about in the Square (presumably to show how absolutely rock he is strutting about right in the middle of Assassination City) and shouting. At the end of the show, the restaurant is packed out, which might be something to do with the fact that a camera crew was there.

18 December
East Midlands Trains announce the launch of a £1.50 single from Nottingham to London. The Evening Post’s website is bombarded by moaning comments about the lack of free tea and coffee. 

24 December
Santa comes.

3 January
Some ponce-box dwellers in the Lace Market start moaning about a local bar applying for a late licence, which is about fuckwitted as living on Pluto and complaining that there’s not a Greggs nearby. How dare you try to force us to forego our right to get kaylide, shout at the opposite sex in the street and generally try to forget that we’ve got shit jobs to go to in the morning. Just because you were sucky enough to buy a shoebox in our city centre because you were conned by all those shitty property programmes on Channel 4.

January 5
Sneinton now wants to be known as Sneinton Village. So what? I want to be known as King Sex I of Nottingham, Supreme Overlord of the East Midlands and Pleasurer of Women Everywhere, and that’s not going to happen either, is it?

7 January
The shortlist for the Clough statue is announced. One of them looks like he’s wearing the kind of boots sported by Monkey whenever he was beating the shit out of demons with a big stick, or telling Pigsy to sort hissen out when he’d fallen in love with another Slug Monster pretending to be a saucy lady. Another one looks like Brian had celebrated his retirement by ripping a Forest logo off the side of the Trent End and was pegging it for a bus.

8 January
According to a local survey, Bulwell has taken the accolade of having the highest percentage of people in Notts who buy sportswear and the highest percentage of people who do no sporting-related activity whatsoever. Doesn’t shock me at all. I used to live near there, and the only sporting facility the locals ever used was a short-cut wobble across the golf course to get to Tesco and the nearest bingo hall. Fact: there is so much sportswear in Bulwell, the council actually considered adding an extra rail to the section of tramline that runs through there, so it would look like the place had an Adidas stripe across it when
viewed from Google Earth.

10 January
Teas across the East Midlands are ruined when a Mansfield lad who couldn’t get the NHS to get rid of his massive, twospacehoppers-in-a-cupboard knockers caused by a hormonal imbalance lobs ‘em out on the local news. I’m worried that it might be some kind of virus and by the summer Nottingham will be plagued by gangs of brick shithouses from Mansfield in bra tops and rabbit ears, pushing men into corners at Jumpin’ Jaks and bellowing ‘Oi! Youth! Get yoh maath raand me raht big tittehs, or ah’ll foo-kin’ pan yoh!’

13 January
Jermaine Pennant gets shamed, guy, when his Dad pops up on the front of the News Of The World in ‘No-Go crime zone Radford’ (even though there’s a bus service and everything). He’s been selling crack to prostitutes, injecting heroin, and – probably most shameful of all for any son – lolling about on the floor in front of the fireplace in his pants.

17 January
The former bassist of Hepburn turns up in the local paper, after it’s revealed that she’s now working as a Detective Constable in a Notts village. ITV immediately commission a TV series featuring her, the little one in B*Witched, Lolly and all of Vanilla bringing order to Assassination City with pure girl power. Possibly with her out of Bucks Fizz as the firm-but-fair gaffer who plays it by the book but wants results.

18 January
Prince William perambulates into town for the Francesca, ending up in Twat Church (better known as the Pitcher & Piano) and Oceana before nipping across the road to Food Factreh for battered swan, peas and chips.


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