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Nottingham Castle

May Contain Notts: April-May 2008

1 June 08 words: Al Needham

Mansfield Town to become Harchester United, Arena sells out, Nottingham Eye is up, Capital One staff get p45s and more

March 28
John Batchelor, a bell-end with a lot of money, wants to buy Mansfield Town and change its name to Harchester United, after the club in a programme on Sky that was cancelled due to low ratings and being, well, shit, really. “One club has been on the television for 10 years and the other one hasn't,” says his hideously ignorant mouth on the telly. Well in that case, why not go the whole way and call them Madelaine United, you sucky twat?

April 1
The Arena sells its naming rights to Rubbish Local Radio Station. Everybody still calls it ‘The Arena’.

April 6
The Nottingham Eye is finally packed up and presumably rolled down the M1 by a giant child after a staggeringly successful stint in the Square, sparking talk of bringing it back in the future. Hopefully with a massive sucker stick wedged in the spokes, so it sort of makes a motorbike noise.

April 8
What’s in your wallet? If you’re one of 750 poor bastards at Capital One, it’s a P45. They give out some flange about needing to say economically competitive and innovative in the UK credit card market, which is shorthand for ‘get your fucking desk cleared, we’re pissing off to India now’.

April 9
The Lawn Tennis Association decide to nob off the Nottingham Open and move it to Eastbourne, wherever that is. Good. Tennis is wank. Message to Council: let’s have the World Kerby Championships in the Square. Or, even better the World Cup of Dobby Scarecrow. We’d batter everyone.

April 18
Shocking news as the shutters go up at Brownes, one of those bars in town that you thought would go on for ever. They created a VIP area for me and my Dad once, when I was taking him out on the pull for a newspaper article. He looked down upon the beautiful people and said “Look at those fookin’ coonts”. Then he got pissed off because they didn’t serve bitter, and then looked at a complimentary cocktail as if it was made of mashed-up slugs and monkey wee.
April 20
And then I told how much it was, and he went mental. Even though it was free. He’s one of those old gets who would happily drink in an abbotoir with animals being cut up with chainsaws with blood flying everywhere, as long as the ale cost £1.50 a pint.
April 21
More redundancies, as Thomas Fish collapses under five million quid’s worth of debt. I’d say that their arse was hanging right of their trousers but, seeing as they’re builders…y’know.
April 22
The local bobbies offer a £500 reward for the capture of Tasty and Nasty, twograffiti-lovebirds who hold hands while throwing up not-particularly-brilliant pieces, aw, bless, etc. Question: which is which? And do they say their names as a rhyme? And if so, is it Tassty and Nasty, or Tasty and Naysty? That’s what the police should be offering five hundred quid for, so I can sleep at night.
April 26
Notts County beat Wycombe 1-0, and stay up in Division Four. Harch - er, Mansfield – don’t, and are relegated from the human race. I mean, the Football League. 
April 29
The police get slagged off for taking three hours to respond to a call from a bloke in Arnold whose house was invaded by eight nutters, one of whom is swinging an axe about. You see the trouble you’ve caused, Tasty and Nasty?
May 5
Forest beat Yeovil 3-2, securing promotion from Division Rubbish at last. “We can compete in the Championship, eye on the Premier League, blah blah blah” say the Forest suits. “RAYYFOOKING’ELLYOOOOREEE-DDDDSS!” bellow the fans. “Thank fuck we’re not in the playoffs thank fuck we’re not in the playoffs thank fuck we’re not in the playoffs” they all say, inwardly, over and over again.
May 6
LL photographer Ben Cypher’s cousin gets a £500 reward for running down the street bollock naked to bring down a burglar on Christmas Eve, and then mashing him a cup of tea before the coppers arrived. “He’s a fucking mentalist”, said Ben, exclusively to the Super Soaraway Lion.
May 8
The latest edition of The Rough Guide to England slags us all off for being a country of ‘overweight, alcopop-swilling sex and celebrity-obsessed TV addicts’, but – wahey! – Notts gets bigged up for our shopping, architecture and restaurants. They were dead right about the crust of shitty pubs that cling around the rim of the Square like toilety clag, though.
May 10
Carl Froch batters some Polish lad at the Fucking Hell Is That Twiggy And Jo Switch That Shit Off Now Before I Stab You Arena. I watched it on telly next to a Notts fan, who wanted our Carl to get pasted because he supports Forest. Fucking hell, so it’s come to this, has it? In that case, let him fight Jimmy Sirrel next time.

May 12
Someone, quite possibly someone who’d borrowed Christine by Stephen King out the library, fires a shotgun at a car in Bilborough. No-one was hurt. Apart from the car’s feelings, obviously.
May 15
Nottingham’s society wedding of the year draws to a conclusion when someone’s dad gets six years in the Naughty House for hitting someone on the back with a pole (not the nationality), and for kicking in the father of the bride at a wedding, conveniently held in at the City Hospital’s leisure centre – the denouement of a long-running feud which involved kidnapping and chucking pigs heads through someone’s window. Fucking hell. I mean, we’ve all chucked a pig’s head through a window at some point, but more than one? You’ve got to really dislike someone to do that.
May 16
Two students at Nottingham Uni get arrested under the Oh My God They’re Going To Murder Us In Our Beds Act for downloading Al Queda stuff, even though they were just looking. By the way, I live in mortal terror that one day, a terrorist group called Al Needham spring up and start kicking off.
May 22
The Independent announces that Nottingham has the worst crime rate for students ever ever EVER in the entire universe, or something. I’d have to change my name. Garry Fresh has a nice ring to it.
May 23
The Dalai Lama rolls into town to kick off his week-long stand at Rubbish Radio Station Arena (just after Girls Aloud, and just after Dolly Parton). Buddhists being known for their vegetarianism and huge reserves of patience, which is just as well if he decides to nip across the road and wait 45 minutes at Spice Arena for a beanburger.

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