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May Contain Notts: Dec 2008 - Jan 2009

1 February 09 words: Al Needham

Forest appoint a former Derby manager, Christmas school plays ge cancelled, Carl Froch wins the WBC belt and a guy from The Spectator gets the arse with Notts

December 1
Forest announce that their new manager will be Billy Davies, causing uproar amongst certain supporters. A former Derby boss as the new gaffer? When has that ever worked, eh?

December 3
A story about a junior school in Sneinton cancelling its Christmas play because the kids couldn’t learn their lines on time is mysteriously reported by the Evening Post as Christmas being cancelled for Eid, by Nu (which is spelled like that because it makes them sound more sinister and New-World-Orderish) Labour in Political-Correctness-Gone-Mad Broken Britanistan. Naturally, this results in the BNP complaining to the school (!) and an avalanche of whining from the sort of locals who regularly perform oral sex upon panes of glass on the 89 to Rise Park. ‘well i think its bad i dont no what the world is coming to . the english children go with out . and to all the children that belive in santa will think hes cancelled. well i tell you something if my kids went to that school they would not go on that day i would keep they off. and i would tell them about our jesus was born. i am so sicken about this . it just gose to show what can off BRITTON WE LIVE IN TODAY? if i get the chance i will live this place and move to spain or some were.this place we call britton as gone down hill’ said a moron from Aspley.

December 4
‘This is a disgrace, and looks like a form of racism. The school seems to favour muslims rather than others. We should not be celebrating a religion that beleives in sacrifices, it smacks of black magic, after all they did sacrifices. Things like this do not help racial harmony, it will just cause more racism.’ Said another resident of Planet Mouthy-Breathe about Santagate, as he refused to aid the dying carcass of racial harmony and caused more racism.

December 5
And again. ‘Jesus was English not packi or indian. If you dont like our religion go back to where you come from’ Seriously, I could fill this entire page with shit-thick racist wank from people who, if there actually was a God, would be humanely slaughtered and made into potted meat for Nanas in care homes. All because some bleeding kids couldn’t learn the words to Frosty The Fucking Snowman in time.

December 6
Some stuck-up bell-end from The Spectator has a walk down Goosegate on a bollock-freezingly cold night, doesn’t pull, so writes another depressingly piss-poor article about Nottingham. How wrong is it? He actually praises Clumber Street. Remember the following, kids: If there was one shooting in Nottingham for every time a London newspaper or magazine who didn’t know what the fuck it was going on about brought up our reputation for gun crime, there’d be almost as many shootings here as there are in London.

December 7
Carl Froch becomes WBC champion of the world. Come on, Calzaghe, stop being a pissy-knickered YITNEH.

December 11
Bestwood retains its crown of setting fire to more cars than anywhere else in Notts. Seriously, are they waiting for Eddie Kidd to come out of retirement or summat?

December 12
Said bell-end from The Spectator goes on Radio Nottingham and apologises for being a shit excuse for a journo, like the bitch he is.

December 19
An unknown genius sticks up fake signs from the Council across town that allow you to piss up the walls after half past seven. To quote the immortal Chris Needham; ‘I didn’t do it myself, but whoever did it…I’d be proud to know them, I think’.

January 3
Forest only go and batter the richest club in the world 3-0 in the FA Cup, don’t they?

January 4
The Conservative Party announce that the place with the biggest rise in the teenage pregnancy rate in the UK is - drum roll - Rushcliffe. How disgusting. They’re only doing it so they can get on the waiting list for a four-bedroomed semi-detached with a gazebo, you know.

January 6
Nigel Clough becomes manager of Derby. How pleased I am that he’s been given a chance to manager a bigger club. And how even more pleased I am that it’s not Forest.

January 7
Punchinello’s, the oldest restaurant in Nottingham, closes down - possibly because of poor trade and the recession, or possibly because the health inspectors saw the owner leave a baby on top of the microwave so he could repeatedly hit a crocodile in the face with some sausages. My money’s on the latter.

January 9
Cast, the bar/restaurant (named after a rubbish indie band) that was once properly known as the Playhouse Bar, closes down. It used to be the perfect place to have your snap on a hot summer’s day in Nottingham. Let’s hope it re-opens in time for the next one, currently estimated by NASA as July 27, 2018.

January 11
According to another of those shit-stirring surveys, Nottingham - or should I say, Nonceingham - has the second highest concentration of sex offenders in the country, with one in every 748 of us bumming livestock in the Market Square on Saturday afternoons
and God knows what else.

January 12
Oh Jesus Christ no, both of the Scruffys in Notts have shut down an’all, and we’ll never have that recipe for the Dime Bar cheesecake again. When people who live in the Lace Market and The Park start cooking their own teas, then you know this country is in deep
financial shit.

January 14
Tales of Robin Hood, the tourist attraction that should have been called Come And See Some Knackered-Up Robots That Stink Of Piss, Stupid Fat-Arsed Americans, finally shuts down, sparking a debate about how we don’t do enough for tourists. And thank God we
don’t, say I. Seriously, if Nottingham was twenty miles away from London, we’d all be forced by the Council to wear green tights and skip about like twats outside Ye Olde Pounde Shoppe for the benefit of Bubba Buttfuck and his foul ilk. Fuck that.

January 15
Like a phoenix arising from the ashes, but in a Deicide t-shirt, Junktion 7 returns as Seven. Don’t go looking for that door handle shaped like a guitar when it opens, though - somebody teefed it.

January 16
John Mortimer, creator of Rumpole and a true defender of Nottingham Culture, dies. Not only was he alleged to have been part of the defence team for the Lady Chatterley trial in 1960, but he also defended the Sex Pistols and the local Virgin Megastore in 1977
for having the word ‘Bollocks’ plastered in the shop window.

January 18
A 19-year-old lad is killed outside Halo. Utterly, utterly pointless.

January 21
A maintenance engineer from Pork Farms goes on trial for emptying his nuts around the factory after they wouldn’t let him have a nudey calendar up at work, and then being removed from the premises, shouting that he ‘wanted locking up before he murdered someone’. Damn, that man’s - shit, what’s that word for someone who acts really batchy?

January 23
The Ninety Minutes Hate. Smashed-up train carriage. Sheep heads thrown through pub windows (thank God we weren’t playing Wolves). The police and Forest so terrified by the replay that the former refuse to move the game to Wednesday for TV and the latter refuse to allow a massive Derby banner. Oh, and the game? It was fucking horrible.

January 29
A councillor from Eastwood gets into trouble for having a calendar of women’s tits on his office wall, as a stand against Political Correctness. I too would like to join him in his cause against PC nannystate namby-pambyism by pointing out that he’s a sad old get.

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