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May Contain Notts: June-July 2010

1 August 10 words: Al Needham

Round up of the last two months in Notts featuring: Gary Coleman, JJB Sports, Robin Hood, Johnnie Jackson and England's dismal World Cup campaign

27 May
May Contain Notts reacts to the news of Gary Coleman’s death by launching the following petition; “We, the undersigned, demand that Nottinghamshire pays tribute to the television show Diff’rent Strokes by changing the name of an estate to ‘Willis’, to go with Kimberley and Arnold. Changing the name of another part of Notts to ‘Mr Drummond’ would be mint too.” So far, five people have signed it. Fight The Power.

28 May
On the day of the UK iPad launch, over 300 people are seen queuing all the way down Parliament Street. Outside JJB Sports. For a free England T-shirt. In exchange for some tokens out The Sun.

4 June
It is announced that thirty new jobs are to be created in Mansfield with the opening of a new Poundland. Knowing that dump, it’ll be one person manning the till, one person legging it to the shelves to find out how much everything costs again, eight people trying to add everything up, and twenty security guards.

10 June
An author from Nottingham – the bleddy traitor – releases a book claiming that Robin Hood actually came from, wait for it, Leicester. Let’s smash this theory right now; One! Robin Hood stole from the rich to give to the poor, not sit around making jumpers. Two! Out of the hundreds of ballads written about Robin Hood, the word ‘Crisps’ appears exactly never. Three (and most importantly)! Robin’s love interest was Maid Marion, not his sister.

11 June
The Council House lives up to its name when it hangs up an 18-foot wide England flag. So when’s the stonecladding going up, Council? And are you going to leave a 30-foot broken fridge outside the Lions, an’all?

12 June
The Asda in Hyson Green have to slash the price of six-packs of Walkers Argentinean Flame-Grilled Steak and German Bratwurst crisps to 25p each to get rid of them. COME ON ENGLAND!

15 June
Those orange and grey Nike boots that half the players in the World Cup are wearing – aren’t they rank? If ever an item of footwear was made for the specific purpose of hanging about outside the McDonalds on Clumber Street with a face like a smacked arse, it’s them.

18 June
England 0, Algeria 0. England’s World Cup campaign: the second abortion that John Terry’s been involved with this year.

19 June
The more I see Fabio Capello, the more I realise who he reminds me of: the Fish Man.

20 June
Radio Nottingham launches a bid for Nottinghamshire to have its own flag. Brilliant idea, and I know just the design; Two upright columns (signifying the areas on either side of the Trent), joined by a similar-shaped column at a 105-degree angle (signifying Trent
Bridge). And then rotated a few degrees clockwise, so it gives off the effect of a slanty…er. Ah. Forget I spoke.

27 June
England get absolutely panned by Germany. The cries for video evidence in games rise to such heights that FIFA are considering Mansfield Road as the site of the next World Cup.

8 July
Johnnie Jackson – the County player who gave my mate the wanker sign in the previous instalment of May Contain Notts – signs for Charlton Athletic so, quote, “he can be nearer his wife and child.” In a pig’s arse, Johnnie – you decided to peg it like a YITNEH instead of doing the right thing, which was, as we demanded, that you recreate your walk up Heathcote Street, but this time, you ruffle my mate’s head, say soz, and then give him
some tickets and scarves. Look at you. Running like a bitch.

12 July
NCT announce that they are looking for two voices to feature on their bus routes. Obviously, it’s a formality - but I’ve already sent in my demo tape just in case. Here’s the tracklist;
1. Stop Playing That Grime Wank On Your Mobile, Youth, It Sounds Like Someone Having An Argument Wi’ Theirsen In A Branch Of Tandy
2. Who’s Eating Chips? Giz Some!
3. Shut That Bleddy Mardy Kid Up Before I Break Summat
4. Get Feet Off Chair, You Chatty Bastard
5. Is That Weed? GIZ IT!
6. We Are Now Going Through Bestwood, Please Get Under Your Seat And Don’t Look At Anyone

17 July
The Council announce plans to shut down the sex shop on Upper Parliament Street, because – wait for it – it gives a poor impression of the City Centre, taking visitors’ minds off the more vibrant parts of the area, such as slappers wazzing down Hurt’s Yard, meatheads trying to put each other through the windows of Foxy’s, and a dinnerlady-magnet called ‘Flares’. You know what I always say: the more townies at home on a Saturday night mashing their genitals with sex toys, the better we all are.

19 July
A group of Mams, tired of the stigma society places on the natural act of breastfeeding, hold a mass lob-out in the Arboretum, which is only slightly marred by the appearance of a bald man in a massive nappy stomping about, waving a dummy and shouting; “This is absolutely shagging up me teggehs, you know! Are you gonna do summat about it or what?” at them. Right waste of a Monday afto, that was.

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