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TRCH The Da Vinci Code

May Contain Notts: April-May 2010

1 June 10 words: Al Needham

Overview of the last two months with: Carl Froch, Alan Sillitoe, elections, bus fare rises, the new Robin Hood film and the Ladyboys of Bangkhok

9 April
The Ladyboys of Bangkok start a three-week run in Derby. Okay, many questions here; why Derby, and not here? And why three weeks? What is it about Derby that it takes twenty-one whole days for the people of Derby who want to see this sort of thing become sated? Do the nobs get lobbed out, and do they do that thing I saw on my mate’s mobile the other night?

25 April
Carl Froch loses his world title and his unbeaten record – to a Dane. Arse.

26 April
Alan Sillitoe. Wasn’t he mint?

27 April
Bus fares go up to £1.60 a ride and £3.20 for an Easy Rider. Fair enough, but because NCT buses still don’t give out change, the entire city is standing at bus stops fiddling in their trouser pockets like Gary Glitter at school sports day. What do they do with the extra money when you have to give ‘em two quid because the miserable cow at the paper shop won’t give you change? Does the garage on Parliament Street house a 30-foot piggy bank? I think we should be told.

1 May
Notts County win League Two. May Contain Notts’ mate – a tediously rabid County fan - sees Johnnie Jackson and John Thompson on Heathcote Street and gives them a thumbs-up. Johnnie Jackson gives him the wanker sign. Looks like Johnnie Jackson just made himself an enemy of May Contain Notts and its lovely readers.

2 May
Bluu closes its doors for the last time, signalling the death knell for pub crawls around that courtyard in the Lace Market. And I know why; because they had the roundest, drink-slipping-on-thefloor-before-you’ve-even-had-a-sip tables. You might as well have put your pint on a spider’s web cast between two twigs.

3 May
May Contain Notts starts a game of Football Manager 2010 and takes charge of Notts County, so it can look at Johnnie Jackson’s stats. And oh dear, it appears that under the heading ‘Long Throws’, Johnnie Jackson only gets 6 out of 20. Did you hear that, Johnnie? Football Manager 2010 is saying that you throw like a girl.

5 May
In anticipation of the new Robin Hood film, the Post asks some kids in Bestwood what they know about him. They might as well have asked my cat about the pros and cons of proportional representation. “Our school was named after him, so he’s got to be real” says eight year-old K-Ci (pauses, stares into distance, shakes head, resumes typing). And who do they think should play Robbo in a film? “Ashley Cole could be Robin Hood and Cheryl Cole Maid Marian” says (pauses, puts head in hands, has bit of a cry, resumes typing) K-Ci.

7 May
The election results roll in, with the Broxtowe and Sherwood district barely turning Conservative. Nice work, Lib Dem voters – like what you voted in, you nobs?

10 May
With the country still in chaos over the hung parliament mither, May Contain Notts spells out a solution on Radio Nottingham in its country’s hour of need; that they settle it the Top Valley way with a massive game of Releevio. The Tory and Labour MPs sort out dens - the infant school playground and the subway that smells a bit like wee would do – while Lib Dem and other minor party MPs get ten minutes to leg it and hide. Any MP captured and frogmarched back to either party’s den automatically joins that party until all the spare MPs are captured. Any MPs spotted outside the designated area (such as round the back of Big D or in the Duke of St Albans) are made to roll about in dog turds. Any MPs from any party called in for tea by their Mam automatically lose their seat. And whoever manages to get hold of David Cameron, Gordon Brown or Nick Clegg and pull their pants down in the street automatically wins.

11 May
Forest. Oh dear.

14 May
Robin Hood is released in two concurrent world premieres in Cannes and, er, the Cornerhouse. Cack accents. Big medieval Saving Private Ryan scene. The usual, really.

18 May
A Nana from Clifton gets done by the Council by draping her street with so many England flags that, when viewed on Google Earth, the entire estate looks like it’s been self-harming. The Council say that you can’t hang things from lamp posts – such as flags, washing, tied-up pairs of trainers and someone who everyone thinks is a paedophile because he waved at a child once – but later relent and agree to put them back. And rightly so, because God knows how many times I’ve walked through Clifton and thought; “Oh no, this place is so continental and eclectic, I’ve forgotten where I am. Is it Milan? Barcelona? Sao Paulo? Oh hang on, there’s 79 England flags on that house, all with ‘ENGLAND’ written on them. I must be in Clifton.” Dunno why the Council bothered, anyway – by the time you read this, it’ll be time to put her Xmas decorations up.

19 May
On Football Manager 2010, May Contain Notts orders a coaches report on Johnnie Jackson, just out of interest, and discovers that ‘Dave Kevan believes Johnnie Jackson has poor intelligence on the football pitch’. Notice that MCN didn’t imply that, Johnnie – it was Computer Dave Kevan.

20 May
Russell Crowe comes out with some right minge about Robin Hood. “I believe he was associated with Nottingham but he wasn’t born anywhere near Sherwood –I think it was Barnsdale,” he says, out of his manky jacket potato of a face. “The facts, if you can call them that, all point to that.” No, Russ; the facts - and you can definitely call them that, because they’re TRUE – all point to you trying to cover up the fact that YOU WERE TOO BUSY PRETENDING TO BE A HAPPY SHOPPER OLIVER REED, AS USUAL, TO LEARN HOW TO DO A NOTTINGHAM ACCENT. What you said was no different to the director of a third-rate school production of Under Milk Wood saying; “Well, it’s a little known fact that Dylan Thomas set the play in a village in Pakistan, actually.” What are you going to do in the sequel, Russ – put on a Derby shirt and make our icon sound even more like Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot, you useless bell-end?

21 May
Oh, and hear that noise in the distance, Russ? That faint sound in the distant, reminiscent of Woody Woodpecker having a coughing fit? That’s Kevin Costner laughing at you.

22 May
May Contain Notts, on Football Manager 2010, calls five press conferences in a row to criticise the poor form of Johnnie Jackson, even though he’s been on the reserves subs bench for the past two months.”If Johnnie puts in as much effort on the training ground as he does making masturbatory gestures at the people who pay his wages, then I might consider giving him a game,” said MCN, in that text box they’ve put in at the bottom.

23 May
It’s revealed that the Ladyboys of Bangkok are coming to the Market Square for a whole week in June. YES YES YES YES! Er, I mean, good to see that a cultural event such as this isn’t denied to the people of Nottingham.

25 May 2010
May Contain Notts finally gets bored and sells Johnnie Jackson to FC Baghdad for 23p and a bag of camel’s arseholes, and then spends the rest of the night hysterically laughing and making wanker signs at the laptop.

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