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TRCH The Da Vinci Code

May Contain Notts: April-May 2011

6 June 11 words: Al Needham

Des Coleman leaves the BBC, Panthers win the Elite Cup, man makes flamethrower and the Royal Wedding Nottingham-style

25 March
Des Coleman leaves/is pushed from the BBC after he deliberately gets the weather forecast wrong on the eve of his trial for allegedly waving an imitation firearm at someone in Buckinghamshire, and saying ‘Don’t believe everything you read in the media’, and then winking (I didn’t see it, but you just know he winked). This is an extremely dark day for the East Midlands. Personally, Des could have fired a tank at an infant school, and I still would have felt he deserved to be let off. Sigh.

3 April
The Nottingham Panthers cap a ridiculously successful season by winning the Elite League final at the Ice Arena, their second trophy in two months. Sadly, because this is Britain, most of Nottingham is too wrapped up in County’s longest losing streak and Forest going right off the boil to notice. I love playoff weekend in Nottingham, by the way; all those absolutely massive families from Cardiff and Sheffield lumbering around in ice hockey tops, like early nineties rappers. It’s like a 3rd Bass and Onyx convention.

13 April
Man United knock Chelsea out of the Champions League, and Nottingham 2 London 0 Day – the impromptu celebration the day after the last London club is knocked out and we remind ourselves that none of them have ever won it – is upon us. Come on Council, pull your finger out and let’s have a proper celebration next year; I suggest we parade Danny Dyer, Jimmy Greaves and Ian Beale around the Square like Nazi collaborators in French villages on VE Day, make them wear Pearly King outfits where the buttons have been arranged to look like willies, and let our kids laugh in their faces and hit them with sticks as they are taken to be beheaded in front of the Brian Clough statue.
14 April
Des Coleman is ‘completely exonerated’ from all charges in his imitation firearm case, and the judge lays into the Bucks police for not bothering to find out that the bloke who laid the charge had been involved in four separate incidents of road rage, including pulling a knife on someone. Des, you will be missed. Always know that Nottingham loved you, and the way you presented the weather as if you had just rushed over from Brownes and you needed to get back as soon as poss because you  had two birds on the boil. Wink.
15 April
Shocking misUnderstandings in the loCal paper concerning a poster for a gig on the same date as Kate Middleton’s big daY, with capital letters spelling out a rude word. Accusations Regarding the event’s hosting at the poliSh cEntre Predictably lead to local tOry councillorS Trying to brand the gig as ‘unbritiSh.’ Couldn’t see what the fUss was all about, Myself.
19 April
In 1937, the Archbishop of Canterbury petitioned to ban the proposed radio broadcast of George VI’s coronation, for fear of ‘men in public houses listening with their hats still on’. In 2011, MCN discovers that one will be able to witness the nuptuals of Billy Inbred and his gold-digging missus at the Sun Valley one-armed bandit place, next to the Moulin Rouge chippy in Trinity Square. Personally, May Contain Notts would rather watch his own father curl one off into a glass bucket, but the poster in the window where the big  gold-coloured porcelain cheetahs usually are promises ‘Special Royal Scratch and Match prizes – THE BIG DAY JUST GOT BIGGER’.
20 April
A man from Ripley gets done for getting larruped round his knock-off’s house in his pants, freaking out at the sight of a spider, turning a can of Lynx into a home-made flamethrower to get shot of it, and accidentally setting fire to the front door. He gets fined £500.

26 April
The organisers behind the Polish Centre benefit gig poster apologise for offending cack local newspapers and Tories looking to get noticed before a local election. Ewan Lamont, Conservative Nottingham City Council candidate, said: “If they had not used an obscene word it would have been a great example of the big society in action with local people working together to support a local service.”

27 April
More toss about the Royal Wedding in the Post. “WE’LL PAINT TOWN RED WHITE AND BLUE,” it squeaks, conveniently skirting around the fact that most of the mouth-breathers round here would happily cheer the stoning to death in the Square of the Gordon Scott monkey by Islamic fundamentalists for adultery, as long as it gave them the chance to get kaylide on a Friday afto. Said piece goes on to point out that six whole streets have applied to the council for a street party. In a city of 270,000. Let’s put that into perspective; I have had Saturday morning 2am wazzes from the top of Mansfield Road that have covered more of Nottingham than the Royal Wedding street parties did.
29 April
That gig at the Polish Centre went off without society crumbling, despite rumours that the EDL were going to turn up and do their usual ‘standing about, looking like the ugliest float in Gay Pride’ thing.
6 May
The Local Elections see the Lib Dems completely wiped out and a mere five Tory councillors involved in the Council. None of which are Ewan Lamont. Oh, and this has nothing to do with Nottingham, but Nick Clegg? Jeremy Thorpe could have killed fifty Great Danes, piled the corpses up, and had bum-sex with them all live on Blue Peter and he still wouldn’t have caused as much damage to his party as you have. Bell-end.

16 May
Once upon a time, Nottingham Forest saw a frog about to cross the river, so it asked for a krog. “But if I gave you a krog across the river, Nottingham Forest, how do I know you won’t be shit in the playoffs and kill me?” asked the frog. “Because,” said Nottingham Forest, “If I were shit in the playoffs, then I would die too”. So the frog decided to take Nottingham Forest across the river. But, halfway across, Nottingham Forest were shit in the playoffs. “Aargh!” said the frog. “Nottingham Forest! You deceived me! Now we shall both die! Why were you shit in the playoffs?” “I could not help being shit in the playoffs,” said Nottingham Forest, as they both sank to the bottom of the river, “It is my nature.”

17 May
A massive gay flag is flown over the Castle for International Day Against Homophobia, making it look like the place had been stormed by gay pirates. The County Council refuse to get involved, because they’re mingebags.

18 May
It is announced that the Olympic flame will be passing through Nottingham on its way to London next June. May Contain Notts is starting up a kitty for the first person to get a fag lit off it as it goes through town, which currently stands at 50p and some tokens for last year’s Goose Fair.
21 May
Nottingham hosts one of the biggest Slutwalks in the country. Thousands of women of all ages, shapes and sizes make a bold feminist statement by openly parading around town in a state of undress, in a defiant protest against the comments made by an American police officer.

22 May
Ooh, hang on. That was just another Saturday in town, come to think.


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