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May Contain Notts: Dec 2012 - Jan 2013

8 February 13 words: Al Needham

"Winter Wonderland opens in the Square. Jesus Christ, what gibbon in the Council House stopped licking lead paint off a stick long enough"

20 November
Winter Wonderland opens in the Square. Jesus Christ, what gibbon in the Council House stopped licking lead paint off a stick long enough to smack the big red button marked TURN THE SQUARE INTO AN OUTDOOR BROADMARSH? It’s bad enough that you have to deal with your own estate looking as if Tron has shat all over it - now we’ve got to come into town and have that neon abortion rammed into our eyes for two months? Where
you can’t even see the bleddy tree for all the rammel clustered round it?

25 November
(and yeah, I know; I should have said summat about it last issue. But I’ve been so angry I’ve not been able to talk about it until now).

10 December
Chico - yes, that Chico - opens the Christmas rink at the Ice Arena. No, I dunno the difference between a Christmas rink and an ordinary one, but I’ve been waiting years to be able to say what I’m about to; ten years ago, Chico was May Contain Notts’ lapdancing mentor. And I’m not lying yer - I did a newspaper article where I had to work at Lap Attack for a night, and I had to go round his house. He taught me to think the words; “come
on you dirty bitches, you know you want it” while I was grinding me arse at the clientele. I wonder if he still uses that technique when he’s opening ice rinks. Fair dos, though, he did lend me his Officer And A Gentleman outfit. I looked like a Skegness deckchair attendant in it.

15 December
Two local police officers are given ‘words of advice’ by their superiors after appearing in Coppers, the documentary series that might as well have been called Look At These Trampy Mentalists With Funny Accents Getting Into Fights Over Whose Turn It Is To Have A Bite Of A Cheese Sandwich, Everyone. It’s not revealed what was actually said to them, but
it probably went along the lines of 1) Throwing kaylide nanasto the pavement in Sneinton doesn’t look good on the telly, 2) Neither does pushing old blokes about on Exchange Walk, 3) Or describing people as ‘Sub-human scum’ and 4) Being filmed rummaging around people’s bedrooms, discovering a dildo the size of Frank Bruno’s leg and waving it at the camera makes it hard for people to trust you. 

23 December
According to Notts County Council, in a meticulous survey of birth records, the most popular baby names in Nottinghamshire are Oliver and Mia. According to May Contain
Notts, who commissioned its own survey using the more traditional manner of staring dead hard at the tattoos on the jubblies of mams on the bus, Kayden is still there or thereabouts.

27 December
Sean O’ Driscoll is sacked from Nottingham Forest because... anyone? No? Me neither. He is almost immediately replaced by Alex McLeish, who is selected for his ability to... er... boggered if I know.

3 January
A mentalist drink driver flips his car in Newark and then hitches a lift to Asda, presumably so he can ram a basket full of extra strong mints into his gob and snort a massive line of Nescafe before the coppers come.

10 January
According to the TV Licensing bods, there are 200 households in Notts that still have a black and white telly. So what? I can think of 5,000 or so even more backward people who support a black and white football club.

12 January
According to Notts Police, ten percent of all mobile phones that are nicked in Nottingham get whipped at Rock City. Presumably after the dickheads who own them have held them
up in the air throughout a gig so you can’t see owt from the back. And don’t get me started on people who do that with iPads.

14 January
The owners of Viccy Centre and Broado announce that both of them are having their name changed to ‘intu Victoria Centre’ and ‘intu Broadmarsh’. Which is well thick. If they expect people to say “I’m going into intu Broadmarsh” without getting angry with each other and fighting among themselves, they’re not real.

16 January
A photo of the Major Oak in the snow on Facebook has people claiming that they can see Friar Tuck (or Buddah, or Winston Churchill, or any other fat get you care to name). I dunno about that, but have you seen the map of the Forest Rec, on the side of Mansfield Road; it looks just like a jumping grasshopper, doesn’t it? Is that deliberate? Am I the last person in Nottingham to notice that?

22 January
A leading architect, appalled at the utter mingingness of Trinity Square, advises the people about to de-mank it to ‘create a place for people to snog’. Has he not been in Notts on a weekend and seen women playing Emu to some battered lothario’s Rod Hull up against the doorway of TK Maxx (while she’s texting her mate over his shoulder)?

23 January
Tory MP Anna Soubry reckons she can tell how poor people in her constituency are by how much of a gutbucket they are. Here’s a challenge for you, duck; let’s set up a booth at Goose Fair, and you guess where people come from by feeling the heft of them. Preferably by you giving them a piggyback round the Forest whilst they whack you on the arse with a stick.

 

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