TRCH

How Creative Are You?

15 May 14 words: James Walker
Complete our questionnaire to find out how creative you are on a scale of one to Picasso
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How technical are you?
a. You know how to attach a document to an email
b. You’ve completed Mario on every Nintendo console
c. You can fill out an Arts Council Grant in under an hour
d. Your best friend is Tron

You buy a laptop for £300. How much does your tax return say it cost?
a. What laptop? You can’t claim for that
b. £300
c. £325
d. Actually, it wasn’t a laptop it was an entire multimedia system with mint speakers. Only cost five grand

How often do you shave?
a. I’m a late developer
b. Once a week, razors are well expensive
c. In the car on the way into work while listening to Run DMC
d. In the car on the way into work, except I don’t have a car and I’m not working at the moment

What’s the longest you’ve held down a 9-5?
a. 3 years
b. 3 months
c. 3 days
d. Mate, I don’t even get up till 5pm

When collaborating with a team the first thing you do is...
a. Pretend you’re in The Apprentice and waste the day coming up with a poxy name like Snergy
b. Buy an Apple laptop and suggest meeting in Broadway
c. Arrange a Skype meeting. Then test your multitasking skills by having a stealth wank under the table
d. Apologise that you can’t make it as you have another meeting

Insert the correct word into the following statement: Think outside ___________
a. The box
b. The rectangle
c. The dodecahedron
d. The quadrilateral parallelogram

You’re feeling peckish, do you...
a. Lunch is for wimps
b. A Gregg’s pasty while talking on your mobile
c. Glug from a bottle of tommy sauce. It’s sugar, int it.
d. Feta, rocket and fig panini

Who designed your business card?
a. That booth in Viccy Centre where you get 100 for a fiver
b. I made it me’sen
c. I’m not Patrick bloody Bateman
d. Me mate did it for free so I owe him a favour

What grade did you get in your degree?
a. First Class Honours in Cultural Studies
b. It’s all a blur
c. Does a Poly count?
d. Dropped out in the first year, got a job as a pizza delivery boy, got the sack for eating the pizzas, wrote a phone app that makes fart noises and made a mint. Now I’m a guest lecturer

Rate the following statement on a scale of 1 – 10. “England is mine and The Arts Council owe me a living.”
a. 2.5
b. 5
c. 7
d. Sorry youth, I’m shit at maths

Which of the following does your books?
a. Chartered accountant
b. I never earn enough to put in a claim
c. A professional accountant for creatives
d. A ‘creative accountant’

You attend a meeting about a new scheme in Nottingham that wants to invest in the creative industries. Do you...
a. Get well excited and wedge your wallet with business cards fresh off the Viccy printer
b. Stay in and watch an entire series of Breaking Bad, boring your partner senseless with details of how you would improve the narrative
c. Go to the meeting and try to start a fight
d. Slag off the scheme, accuse the funders of favouritism and then bitch about it in a blog that nobody reads

The last person you had a wank over was?
a. I don’t masturbate, it depletes my creative juices
b. Kirsty Wark
c. Work colleagues while conducting a group Skype meeting
d. Steve Jobs

Mostly As You’re about as much use as a Sinclair C5
Mostly Bs You’re showing signs of potential but don’t quit the temp agency yet
Mostly Cs Stay off the weed, you’re so close…
Mostly Ds You’re the uber creative, the kind of bastard who insists on being paid yet expects everyone else to work for free

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