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Confetti - Your Future

Gerra Nottingham Beach Body in 14 Easy Steps

8 August 15 words: Penny Reeve

You will definitely look the bomb on Market Square beach with our handy bikini body tips. Tips which are to be taken at your own risk

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illustration: Rikki Marr

1. Lose weight quickly, and cheaply, by grabbing a dirty burger and contracting the shits.

2. Get a great tan and work up a sweat at the same time by finding a quiet spot in the Arboretum to go at it with your other half. The thrill of being caught will ensure you put more effort in and really feel the burn. Pro tip: wear sun cream. And a condom.

3. Achieve a cheap, all-over wax by covering yourself in molten sugar and rolling yourself up tightly in a bedsheet. Wait for the sugar to cool down and harden, then ask yer mam to quickly whip the sheet off you in one smooth motion.

4. Work off extra pounds with some sexy dancing using the poles on the trams. It’ll make your morning commute fly by and put a smile on the face of pervy Pete in the corner.

5. Run up and down the escalators at Broado on your lunch break. This would normally contravene health and safety, and annoy fellow shoppers, but it’s pretty much guaranteed to be empty.

6. Sweat it out on the bus at rush hour. The closer you get to the person sitting next to you, the hotter you’ll be. If needed, wear fifty jackets like you’ve overpacked on a Ryanair flight.

7. Cool off and tone up by swimming a few laps in the Market Square fountain.

8. Tone those thighs by crushing a watermelon between them. The resultant juice will cool you off and provide a delicious, low-calorie mixer for your summer cocktails.

9. Jack a car, remove the wheels and toss ‘em as far as you can. Then run at least 5k to dodge police to really achieve that full body workout. Bootcamp, Bridewell style.

10. Jump on the parkour craze by leaping on everything in sight. Bonus points for leap-frogging over people tying their shoelaces, running at walls and combat-rolling between bollards.

11. Indulge in the latest nineties trend revival by covering yourself in tribal tattoos. Don’t be fooled, the fad won’t last – decent fake ‘uns can be found at the pound shop.

12. When walking to the photocopier at work, be sure to lunge. The lower you get, the better the buns.

13. If you’re too brassic for bronzing, wiping a thin layer of Marmite over your exposed parts works equally as well. Make sure to take bread to the beach with you to mop up any excess Marmite, this will double as a quick and tasty snack.

14. Get the cling film out, wrap yourself up like a mummy, and whack the car heating on full – instant inch loss like at one of them fancy health spa places.

Penny Reeve on Twitter

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