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TRCH David Suchet

What Notts #3

9 March 15

Check out what's been happening in Nottingham over the past month

Nice Monkey
After having a pop at Brass Monkey for a customer/bouncer to-do that sent their Facebook review section into a storm of anger, we are happy to report that it was all hot air. They’ve stated that, “The incident in October was dealt with swiftly and professionally by both the bar and door staff. It has since been dealt with by the authorities and we can unequivocally say that at no point were we at fault.” Soz ducks.

Flowers By The Roadside
A young man has lost his life because of a futile scrap on Thurland Street and Pelham Street – five people were arrested and three have appeared in court since. The coppers blocked the whole area off a few weeks back and reports came soon after announcing the victim’s details. Josh Bradley, a boxer from Bilborough, was just nineteen years old. Our commiserations go out to his family and friends.

Shop Till You Drop
Despite the country’s high streets being laced with boarded-up doors and smashed windows, our council has released data to suggest we’re bucking the trend. Apparently, our cleaner, safer streets and support of local retailers all contribute to our outlet-laden city. Tumbleweeds, be gone! We’re almost back from the ghost town epidemic. But let’s not get too excited – there is still a place selling ornamental cartoon mouths made of zips in Broado.

Space Jam
An ex-Bilborough College student, Ryan MacDonald, is one of the last hundred people to make the shortlist for the Dutch ‘Mars One’ project. Out of these hundred, five will be chosen to go to the red planet and never come back, allowing the chance for scientific discovery. Over 200,000 people signed up for the mission so he’s not done bad - but rather you than us, youth.

Beeston Bun-Up
As if the delayed tram works weren’t making life shit enough for him, one poor Beestonian recently lost his livelihood thanks to a jock-off fire that destroyed his vintage and retro shop. There were a ton of one-off pieces in the store, including a posh Italian dining set, which the seven-hour blaze destroyed in its wake. All that’s left for the 72-year-old owner to do is try and rebuild his business. We feel for you, mate. Good luck.

Fishy Goings-On
A Notts mam got the fright of her life in February when she opened a tin of tuna to find two beady black eyes peering back at her. Among the flakes of Prince’s ‘finest’ was a small, alien-like creature who has been identified as a megalopa – a type of crab which tuna feeds on. Some have said it’s not harmful to humans but, on the flipside, there have also been reports that it’s a tongue-eating louse. Either way, we wouldn’t wanna yam it.

Stingy Arsewipes
Those cheeky boggers in central government have cut Nottingham’s spending power in 2014/15 by 10% compared to last year. Since 2010/11, Nottingham has seen a cut of 50% in government funding. The national average is 37%. Not cool. Our Councillor Graham Chapman has been standing up for us, but it might be worth whipping the megaphone out. We’re a strong city and we don’t need these knocks. Where’s Robin Hood when you need him, eh?

Letter Picker
A bloke is getting sent down for pinching details of Ruddington residents and sending them to his boss in an elaborate credit card fraud scheme. The tea leaf was identified after being spotted around the area lifting documents from letterboxes of specifically-targeted houses with one of those litter-picking devices. A grabby stick, one might say. Whatever happened to the good owd-fashioned leather glove? Criminals these days have got no class.

Bomb Bluff
Someone belled up the coppers claiming there was a bomb at Gresham Playing Fields. The coppers leapt into action and stuck up a cordon with dogs, vans – the whole shebang. We’re not sure what the caller’s intentions were, but it meant many half-naked men were left quaking in the cold while they searched the changing rooms. Doris, who lives opposite, said “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

Manky Tegs
Remember the Sweeney Todd of Daybrook dentists who’d been right rank with his tools? He caused patients to fear for their health years after visiting his clinic, and many were advised to get checked out for hepatitis among other diseases. To top it all off, the patients have been told they may not receive compensation cos the dirty mucker has been refused insurance cover.

No Puppy Love
Some heartless sod has dumped four Bull Terrier puppies in a box by the Erewash Canal. Not only were they left without food or water, the poor pups were dumped as temperatures plummeted to minus six degrees. Thankfully a kind-hearted passerby picked up the pups and their mum, and they are now waiting to be re-homed.

Plodding Postie
A Bramcote postman has been sacked for binning piles of junk mail because his bag was too heavy. He’s not getting sent down, but he’s got some pretty hefty fines to pay after pleading guilty to emptying the naff letters into the waste. Turns out that he did end up chucking a couple of real ones away though, so we’re wondering whether it was the morals or the back ache that kicked in first.

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