“When we get home, shall we have a f**kin’ cuddle?”
“It’s not illegal to have a bath with your dad.”
“Mommar, you just FaceTimed me. Did you mean to?” – Girl on phone
Girl 1: He got stabbed. But not properly stabbed, yer know?
Girl 2: Yeh, like a little bit.
Girl 1: Yeh, but bleeding an’ that.
“What do I want with fifteen-year lightbulbs? I’ll probably be dead before then.”
“When I was eighteen, I was invited to travel the world, but I said no. I just wanted to go to Stealth every week.”
“Ear muffs? Don't piss me off.”
“For God’s sake, will you stop dabbing?!” – Mum to daughter
“Next time you interrupt me trying to tell a girl she’s gorgeous, I’ll smack you in the f**king nose.”
Man 1: So I’m going to be a Dad.
Man 2: Congratulations. I didn't know you guys were trying!
Man 1: We weren’t. She just stopped taking the pill and didn't say.
“Happy birthday! I got you this. Don’t look at it.”
“It’s not my job to bring him up, he’s not my kid!”
“I couldn’t work out how to get Jungle Book out the DVD player so I just watched it three times back to back.”
Man 1: But why do you want to go to Derby?
Man 2: I just want to travel. Y’know, see the world!
“It’s like all that hip hop stuff and that.”
“And the way they get around it is they log onto a French computer, and of course they don’t understand English so it doesn’t register. They’re all at it in Scotland – they’re very clever.”