“He's got the same shit tattoo I've got.”
"Pigeons eat worms. And they like bread."
"You wanna get your puff pastry chat sorted, mate."
"What's your favourite meat substitute? I mean, do you prefer tofu or Quorn?"
"He was on the run from the mental health unit. That's why he was so fat."
"If pancakes are all that, why just once a year?'
“You know when she has a flare up down below? Well I reckon it's that what makes her go all funny.”
"Only in the UK will someone go to A&E due to a scone hitting them in the eye because of high winds."
"I've never understood Arnold."
"Wait, so your girlfriend's parent's dog was there too?"
“Last time I walked down a hill were two year ago.”
"Don't knacker it. Eat it nicely."
"It was actually his brother that put the pork pie up his arse."
“Spread it for the bants, spread it for the fam.”
Woman: Can't believe you pissed in a bottle in our flat!
Man: Shouldn't have been in the shower then.
"At least we're good enough friends that we don't mind showing each other our gums."
“If there's a Long Eaton, is there a Short Eaton?”
"He bought her a courgette for Valentine's day."
"You wipe wee to poo, not poo to wee."
"You can't wear a coat like that and not be ballin'."
“Skol is brewed by Pol Pot’s brother.”
“Three pahnd for a packet! And you only get six sausages!”