Club Tropicana

What Notts: The Latest News and Stories

8 August 17 words: What Notts

Last month's news. You lot are daft.

PLENTY OF TEEFS
Internet dating can be a risky business. Catfish roam those unchartered and murky waters, ready to strike at any given opportunity. And now, it seems, so do bleddy teefin’ boggers. One young Notts lad fell victim to a terrible crime last month, when his Plenty of Fish date turned out to be a robbin’ cow who rocked up, thumped him one, an’ left with his dollar.

The sixteen-year-old lonely heart signed up to the site, lying about his age, and told Charday McQueen that he was eighteen. She turned up to his parent’s house, where he paid £20 for her taxi fare and invited her in. Not too long after, one of Ms McQueen’s mates rocked up and the two of them started scouting out the gaff. Then Charday punched the defendant in the face and demanded he hand over his phone. The poor bogger was so scared, he jumped out the first floor window and bust up his ankle. And he’s still single. Bless his cottons.

RUDE TUNES
Somewhere, lurking about Nottingham’s airwaves, is a dirty-minded individual with a penchant for seventies hits. The lyrics to Ivor Biggun’s tune that goes summat like “I’m a w**ker, I’m a w**ker”, have been bellowed out over Mansfield 103.2’s live broadcasts by a bloke with a Nottingham accent. Ofcom have rounded up the gang and hopped in The Mystery Machine (their van, complete with tracking equipment) three times to try and catch the bogger, but their efforts have been in vain.

APPEH BIRTHDEH YOU OWD BOGGER
Some folk fret when they see landmark birthdays looming over the hill. Indeed, many a last-ditch attempt hath been made to rekindle youth by splashing cash on a sports car to ease the pain of turning forty. But one establishment in town has no problem with ageing. Namely Ye Olde Salutation Inn, who blew out 777 candles last month, with solid legend echoing that it’s the oldest pub in Nottingham. You’ve well and truly earnt that bus pass, duck.

BUTTERFLIES AIN’T FLUTTERIN’ BY
A wildlife expert from Nottingham Trent University has expressed his concern regarding the lack of butterflies about town this year. Bio-science lecturer, Christopher Terrel Nield has noted the diminishing numbers, particularly in the Arboretum, and reckons a lack of nettles and weeds might be factor, but also stated that butterflies are sensitive to environmental change. “They don’t like uncertainty,” says Mr Nield. Will someone give these butterflies some goddamn stability and a dandelion. Is it really too much to ask?!

EE-AR DUCK
We’re right proud of you lot when you put your noggins to the test and persevere with an idea until it comes to fruition. Particularly when that idea serves to better the life of someone else. The people behind The Jericho Road Project in Chestnut Grove have just been given a new van so they can provide female sex workers, particularly in the Forest Road West area, with food, hot drinks and a friendly face. Good on yer.

MR HOT-TINGHAM
Single ladies and gentlemen of Nottingham; keep your eyes peeled and your chat-up lines sharp; we have an adonis in our midst. Zachary Oldershaw, aged 23, was crowned Mr Nottingham earlier this year, and on Friday 14 July, placed third in the Mr England contest. Well done on the facial features, our kid. We can’t claim him for ourselves entirely, though, cos the bloke’s actually from Leicester.

COLLEGE DROPOUT
The plans to merge both New College Nottingham and Central College Nottingham to make one collegial superpower – Nottingham College – will apparently make up to £600 million a year for the local economy. But the University and College Union are concerned by the fact that the futures of 378 staff are hanging in the balance. Positions are being merged, downgraded and scrapped altogether, leaving many uncertain whether they’ll have a job in the new academic year.