Your lot don't half spout some bleddy claptrap...
Bloke 1: No, he’s moved into the attic room with his XBox.
Bloke 2: What, and he’s completely naked?
Bloke 1: No, he’s wearing a vest.
Bloke 2: He must look like Mr Bean.
“I was like... I’m eating that pigeon… cos I paid for that pigeon.”
Woman: Where you going? Robbing?
Man: Nah, every time I do the bloody coppers come, don’t they? Wish they’d send an ambulance instead.
“Look at that, a shop where all they sell is books! Who’s even gonna go in there!”
“I spend half my wages on birthday cards and funerals.”
“Why don’t you just go vegetarian instead of vegan?”
“Do pushchairs have airbags?”
“Are these a pound, are they?” - Woman in pound shop
“I’ve got Viagra all over my forehead.”
Woman: So I was walking along talking to this guy with no teeth and I was like, “How did I get here?”
Bloke: Rohypnol?
Woman: That's a spell in Harry Potter, innit?
“WILL YOU STOP BLOODY SHOUTING?!”
“When he wanked over that centipede I had to turn it off.”
Bev: Oh! That didn’t take long, Sheila.
Sheila: You know me Bev, I don’t f*** about.
“I thought a Bloody Mary was like a tin of tomatoes with Worcester sauce.”
Girl 1: What did you have for dinner?
Girl 2: Pint.
“Oh, it’s meme? I always thought it was meme…”
School kid 1: Gerroff me Donald Trump.
School kid 2: Ah no, you're racist. You can't hate me just because I'm orange.
"I went into the Yankee candle shop cos there was a sale, but they were all Christmas flavour. Who the bob wants Christmas flavour in January?"
Overheard in Notts: The Tea Towel
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