Since watching Simon Amstell’s mockumentary Carnage, I’ve taken it upon myself to rid the world of evil by becoming vegetarian, and one day, vegan. So far, I’m pescetarian at least five days a week, which ain’t so good but you gotta start somewhere. And there are a few of life’s meaty pleasures that I’m really struggling to avoid; a sleazy doner kebab at the end of a big night out and a truly devilish McDonald’s Big Mac, to name but two.
Lo and behold; a beacon of light has emerged on my horizon that has made a truly guilt-free diet a real possibility for me. Ladies and gentlemen, Mocky D has arrived, with a mission to do good by two- and four-legged beasts alike.
The haven of meat- and dairy-free goodness can be found glowing from a black marquee parked next to the side entrance of Viccy Wilkos. Their speciality? 100% vegetarian and/or vegan burgers that taste like their fast-food, meat-sweat-inducing mates, but made with seitan; a wheat-gluten meat alternative. I was dubious. The secret to a McDonald’s Big Mac has been coveted by many a fast food sleuth for years. Throw making ‘em vegan into the mix, and I’m not sure how close you’re gonna get.
Well, blow me down and call me a lizard, the vegan Big Mock (£4) is literally a Big Mac without the lingering after-taste of guilt and shame. I’m almost in shock. Everything from the texture of the double patty to the shredded lettuce and special “mayo” is like biting into the real deal. Genuinely. Blindfold me and I don’t think I’d be able to tell the difference. I’ve never tried vegan cheese before, but the melty mass of yellow stuff sitting pretty in my bun had that desirably gooey texture and though it wasn’t as strong as a slab of cheddar, was pretty sweet tasting, too.
Not only have the wizards in the kitchen magicked the former into existence, they’ve reached new levels of sorcery with, quite possibly, the world’s first vegan doner kebab (£5.50). You heard. Thinly sliced strips of seitan with a smoky barbecue flavour are layered atop a naan, dressed with tomato, shredded lettuce and red onion, and drizzled lovingly with sweet chilli sauce and mint yoghurt. It’s an absolute madness.
Mocky D’s are literal, living proof that we can eat well and ethically at the same time. And that being vegan doesn’t mean munching raw carrots until the day’s end. There’s a food revolution afoot, and Mocky D’s are at the bleddy forefront. Viva la revolucion. Viva la Mocky D’s. Viva la vegan kebab.
Clinton Street, Nottingham, NG1 3DA. 07935 329557.
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