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What Notts: The Latest News and Stories

14 July 17 words: What Notts

The wackiest news from the month of June...

BLOWIN’ ‘EM AWAY
When Jean Brooks’ son-in-law sadly passed away, the Hucknall resident opened up a cafe in her front garden to raise money for Marie Curie Cancer Care. While spending heaps of time in her garden, Jean, 64, noticed how bleddy fast cars, bikes and quadbikes were speeding down her road. With the area also used as a school drop-off point, and our Jean not one to to sit on her laurels, she took matters into her own hands to slow the road down.

Ms Brooks now stands outside her yard and points an old hairdryer at those with a need for speed. Drivers mistake the hairdryer for a speed gun, and slow right down. She said: “They come up on their scooters and quad bikes showing off to the sixth form girls. It’s all ‘Look, no hands’, but it will soon be ‘Look, no teeth.’” Jean, you’re a joker. We’ll be round next week for a cuppa.

ELECTION RESULTS
Well. That blew us out the water a bit, didn’t it? The “unelectable” allotment owner stormed his way to winning forty percent of the vote, and the current incumbent has had to hand over a billion to keep her job. One of the positives to come out of the whole election is the fact that 72% of the youth turned out to vote. In the meantime, keep active and stay motivated, as we suspect there’s more to come...

TRENT KIDS CAMP FOR OCEAN
We’re all for a good time. But some of them there students over at Nottingham Trent have taken the whole “doing it for the sesh” thing a bit too far. About 400 of ‘em camped outside Ocean in heavy rain just to bag themselves tickets for the last “Ocean Wednesday” of the season. Some of ‘em were there for over fifteen hours and brought TV sets and FIFA to keep occupied. We’ve seen it all, now.

LADIES ON LOCKDOWN
Last month, Emma Green and her eighteen-woman bridal party were booted off their Jet2 flight to Majorca thanks to some naughty words on their t-shirts. Apparently, Jet2 asked the hen party to tek ‘em off a fair few times, and when they refused, the hens were removed from the flight. Emma told the Post “Part of me doesn’t even want to get married now” so Sir Richard Branson stepped in to offer free flights to Vegas because of their “traumatic ordeal”. The cheek.

BROKEN HEART BROKE THE BANK
Lonely hearts across Notts are being conned by online fraudsters to give away their hard-earned cash in the name of love. The Nottinghamshire Police Force have had to dedicate specialist teams towards finding the perpetrators who are flirting their way to thousands of pounds, persuading their online partners to part with cars, furniture and even their homes to send them cash. Victims are usually recently widowed and lonely. How ‘orrid do you have to be?

PET PATROL
We’ve had words with you lot a fair few times about your bleddy barmy phone calls to our ever-overworked coppers, but it seems to be going in one ear, skipping the grey matter, and slipping straight out the other side. This month, someone rang the bobbies cos their pet mouse ran under the sofa and was too fast for them to catch. Get a slab of cheddar and a big stick and sort the bogger out yersen. You’re big kids, now.

ALIEN FOG
Holme Pierrepont is known for its vast and expansive duck population, the segway rides, and watersports of the Olympic kind. Last month, though, the park was covered in a mysterious grey web. According to Nottinghamshire Wildlife Trust expert, Erin McDaid, the web belongs to bird cherry ermine moths, and is currently home to millions of larvae and caterpillar. We’re not so sure. We reckon someone’s opened a portal and the underneath is making its way through. Stranger things have happened...

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