"Why have you got a beard? You look like you have a mortgage, a few kids and your wife’s always on at you.”
Elderly woman: I think I left my knife in here on Saturday night
Landlady: Oh yes, I'll just get it for you, flower. [Returns with massive kitchen knife.]
There you go, you'll be able to go and attack somebody on your scooter now.
“I cannot be bothered going to the corner shop for milk. Got some wine... that'll do.”
“My name’s Bob and I like cobs.” – Young girl, rapping
Man: I really love gravy
Woman: It's cos you're from Hucknall.
"Hang on, is Welbeck Abbey a person or a place?"
"He ends up bombarding you with f**king lettuce."
“If I lose one of you I’m not bothered.” – Mam of two in busy city centre
"Yeah, like fish and chips but with courgettes instead of fish."
“Problem is… you don't get any babies called Julie anymore.”
"I don't get Subway, it's legit just sandwiches! You could make 'em at home!"
Woman 1: Do you want a mint?
Woman 2: Why, does my breath smell?
Woman 1: No, but mine does.
"I totally get Kafka. I mean, I've never read him, but I totally get him."
"Yes, I know darling, but you went too far when you actually slept with your secretary." – Woman on phone
Man: What do you want for breakfast?
Woman: Did you just say 'You're beginning to regret this?'
“It's so bizarre that people in Nottingham queue for buses!"