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Ayup Duck: The Latest Nottingham News

1 December 18 words: Ayup Duck
illustrations: Rikki Marr

What the bob happened last month?

Those poor boggers down at the Cattle Market have had a hard time of it. As you probably saw, a load of buildings round there caught light on Bonfire Night weekend. Luckily nobody was hurt. That is, apart from one bloke on a rescue mission at the reptile house who got bit by a snake. The ungrateful little shite. A group, including the folk from Nottingham Sea Food next door, ferried the cold-blooded pets-to-be out of the building in their droves. Apparently they even saved a big lizard by wheeling him out in a shopping trolley.

Any road, the community has properly banded together since, and a week later the market was back in operation. The coppers reckon it might’ve been arson; they arrested two blokes and a woman, but they’re still investigating. They say fireworks caused it. I guess some muppets can’t help but ruin it for the rest of us.

Absolute carnage. One seriously unlucky woman got shot in the arm up on Fletcher Gate earlier last month; police reckon she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and have arrested three young blokes on suspicion of conspiracy to murder. Can we all just calm the bob down? It’s like a sodding warzone out here.

The Christmas Market in the Square has gone all out. There’s a massive bloody toboggan with rubber dinghies to sling yersen down on. Looks a right laugh. On top of that, there’s a wicked three-storey pub smack bang in the middle of it all, for all your festive, boozy needs. Could do wi’ a 75% discount though, mind.

A local M&S recently displayed suited-and-booted male mannequins next to scantily-clad female ones. The slogan read “MUST-HAVE FANCY LITTLE KNICKERS” so protestors replaced the word “knickers” with “full human rights”. Funny boggers. The story blew up, and some say it’s all an elaborate marketing scheme that idiot media outlets have bought into. Dunno what they’re onnabaht.

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