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What Notts: The Latest News and Stories

1 February 18 words: LeftLion

Last month's headlines from your beloved city...

YOU REDS
After an absolutely dismal start to the football season with our boys losing left, right and centre, Forest fans were in for a new-year miracle last month when the lads beat Arsenal. Faced with playing Arsene Wenger’s Premier League team in the third round of the FA Cup, we reckon the Forest team were doing little poops in their pants at the thought of taking on the cream of the football crop. But they pulled it out of the bag, and managed to score four cracking goals to Arsenal’s two.

It was smiles all round for double goal scorer, Eric Lichaj. After scoring two absolute shiners, Twitter launched into a frenzy to help Mr Lichaj convince his wife to let him get a dog. Apparently she’d promised him a pooch if he scored a hat-trick during the season, but Forest fans were so proud of his efforts against Arsenal, they felt he deserved a furry friend a bit earlier.

TRAIN STATION BUNNAGE
The commuters of Nottingham and beyond were sent into a bamboozle in January, when the city’s train station went up in flames. The fire started at about 6.30am, and could be seen rising from the roof by an audience of gobsmacked chops. Everything’s more or less back to normal now, with a near full service reinstated just a couple of days later, but the authorities are treating the incident as arson. The boggers.

BIN ‘EM
Residents in Scotholme Avenue off Radford Road in Hyson Green have been beefin’ the council, claiming that even though they all leave their recycling bins out on the right day, the council have forgot to pick ‘em up on four separate occasions. “What are we paying our council tax for?” asks Bill Reynolds, co-owner of Deviant Angel Emporium. “If any other business didn’t do what they promised, you wouldn’t pay.” The council have said soz.

BOUNCER ON A MAD ONE
No more than five days into January, everyone lost the bleddy plot on Queen Street. Clubbers poured out of Ink, scrapping all over the road, with the tail-end of the bust-up caught on camera and plastered all over social media. Chaos. One particularly club-fisted doorman has been called out for repeatedly wallopping a relentless chap, who somehow kept getting back up after the blows. Ink say the bouncer won’t be working there from now on. Eek.

SWANNING ABOUT
Three Notts police officers were proper flapping when they drove down London Road to find some feathered fiends holding up the traffic. A pair of swans – whose status as the Queen’s fave had clearly gone to their heads – saw it fit to saunter down the middle of the road without a care for the bobbies on beat. The poor coppers engaged in a brief stand-off with the birds, before the peckers skulked off like it was no big deal.~

ANYBODY HOME?
Let’s set the scene. It’s a Thursday morning, you’ve rang in sick for work, you’ve just settled on the sofa with a cuppa char and a sausage roll, and BOOM, a bloke drives straight through your front window, dredging up your geraniums and soiling your curtains. Nobody needs it. But a similar thing happened last month; fortunately this time the house was an empty new build. The driver has been released under investigation. Watch out, ducks.

CREME-ING PROFITS
Seemingly unable to function without a corporately exploited holiday being rammed down our throats, the UK population goes a bit barmy for Creme Eggs at this time of year. In 2018, good ol’ Mr Cadbury has gone all Willy Wonka and hidden white chocolate eggs worth £1k in the mix. But one Notts Sainsbury’s worker got a touch of the Veruca Salt, and was caught red-handed carefully opening the boggers in store to see if he could find the bounty. Cheeky bleeder! Nuff respect.

SPANKY VAN OPEN
In what seems like the greatest marketing ploy of all time, Spanky Van Dykes is back in business. Despite announcing that the “funhouse and eatery” would close its doors for the final time after one last hurrah on New Year’s Eve – convenient – the Goldsmith Street venue remained open for a period in January, providing students and other like-minded individuals with a place to eat, drink and be merry once again. Can’t say we’re complaining, but there’s summat fishy going on...

AND THE WINNER IS...
A chippy down in Carrington is in the running to bag the top prize at the national Fish and Chip Awards. Oo-er. Known round these parts for their healthy twist on the delicacy, staff at The Cod’s Scallops reckon their vast variety of baked swimmers will help them taste glory. Chippy chappy John Molnar, who owns the gaff, says: “These awards are the Oscars of the fish and chip world and we want to win.” We hope you batter the competition. Gerrit?

Shots in the Dark

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