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Ayup Duck: The Latest Nottingham News

5 June 18 words: Ay Up Duck
illustrations: Rikki Marr

Our feathered friend has gorra thing or two to say about that there royal wedding...

I’m not one for swooning over sponging, diamond-studded boggers with nowt but genetics to show for themselves, but I shoved me grumbles in me pocket last month when that local lad and BBC Young Musician of the Year 2016 winner Sheku Kanneh-Mason bust out his cello for the royal wedding. Megs might be bricking it with owd Liz the Lizard huffin’ down her neck, but she managed to steady her hand, pick up the phone, and book our kid after her main squeeze clocked him on BBC Proms.

I tried belling the maestro to see what the craic was, but he weren’t allowed to talk to the press. Fair enough, I s’pose; the blue-bloods must have a hard time keeping all them reptilian sacrificial ritual rehearsals under wraps. Any road, dunnit warm yer heart, seeing that talented bogger showing the world how it’s done on the strings? Well in, youth. We’re dead proud.

Yer what? Nottingham’s dobbed in a bid to host Channel 4’s new headquarters? I mean, I’m all forrit, but they better not be comin’ round here stickin’ any more cameras in me face. The duck community has already had it up to here with having their souls stolen by that bloody Notts TV lot.

Lee Rosy’s has shut tea shop. Where the bob am I gonna sit at me compooter pretending to work now? I used to love popping me bonce in to have long whiffs of their jars while staring at the staff dead in the eye. Chuffin’ Alley Caff’s just gone an’all. Looks like we’re in for mugs of hipster tears instead.

Apparently there’s some proper strong skunk knocking about now them ‘Mericans are legalising the stuff left, right and centre. As a responsible member of my community, I’ve tekken it upon mesen to “weed” the wheat from the kush, so if anyone hears of owt to do wi’ it, gerrin touch.

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