“I’ll be honest, if you paid the £75 up front, I wouldn’t have been so confused.”
Girl 1: Have you ever jet skied?
Girl 2: Dunno, what's the one on snow?
Girl 1: Er, skiing!
Girl 2: I've jet skied.
"Wish I was an ill person so I could drink Actimel."
"No, Hamas were fully booked but having tits gets you a table."
"I'm going to keep the chickens in the lounge at night. You never know with people round here; they might come 'ere in the night, kill 'em and have 'em for their Sunday dinner. I'm not having that."
“Don't compare my favourite way of relaxing to a vagina.”
“Let's get something snack related.”
“When she comes down yeah, I'm gonna take her to a restaurant, take her to the pubs round my ends, then take her to a hotel.”
"Put the lipstick on the horsie."
Girl: What was the best year out of your 55 years of marriage?
Old bloke: Fost 'un, I s’pose.
"I thanked my wife for making me menstruation soup and couldn't work out why she looked at me funny."
"We all come from ballbags. That freaks me out."
"People get farting at bar."
"I'm having a Five Guys, but you're having ten guys. Cos you're a slag."
“I literally know no Spanish. Well, apart from ‘un, deux, trois’.”
"Let's drink our water, tek our pills and get the night going.”
“Do blind people pick up their dog’s poo?”
“I love walking through Broadmarsh. It gives me a boner.”
“I went to get a haircut and the fittest police man I've ever seen arrested the barber.”
“You know the illuminati can control our weather, right?”
The funny, and slightly worrying, things our Big Baby has heard your lot say this month...