“Kronenberg, Heineken, Stella, Amstel. They're all my favourite.”
Man: How do you give an angry blowjob?
Woman: I just go home and puke on him.
Woman: What did you buy?
Man: Weed. Alcohol. Pizza.
"There's too much oestrogen in here."
“He literally came in tracksuit bottoms and an Aldi bag. It was just like that.”
“Mummy, does this mean I'm not allowed to run into bins now?”
"You don't watch Robot Wars, do you?" – Elderly lady
“He hacked into her Trainline account and booked a train to Leeds.”
“Do you like fish and chips? I remember when a bird pooed on yours.”
Woman: Where do you want to go?
Woman: Not Sports Direct. We went there on Sunday and Monday.
Customer: What you got what's veggie?
Cafe owner: Everything on there what's not meat, duck.
“I like dogs. I've got two. An American bulldog and a little shit thing.”
“I don't like a Brummy accent on a girl. But on a guy it's well cool.”
"What? I must have come here with some shoes?!"
"You've spent the day with a sex tourist on day release?"
"Every time you see a dog you have to take its picture and send it to me."
Tiny baby: (Coughs)
Mum: Hand over your mouth, please.