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TRCH David Suchet

Ayup Duck: The Latest Nottingham News

30 October 18 words: Ayup Duck
illustrations: Rikki Marr

What's been rufflin' Ayup Duck's feathers this month? 

The city got all in a flap after a local news rag made it look like that Hollywood star Will Smith was in Notts. The freshest of actor-types was snapped “working” in Boots, helping to promote his son’s new eco-friendly water bottles. Don’t think yer would get my dad doin’ that, so good on him. Turns out, the whole thing actually happened miles off in London, and the words had been fudged to make it sound like it’d happened here.  

If the story were true, it might’ve been more exciting than when that posh ginger lad occasionally turns up. But it weren’t. Your lot have gotta stay vigilant; clearly fake news is on the rise in our city. Still, we would have happily welcomed the chap, and maybe bought him a meal deal if he were lucky.

The Crofter’s Mill in Hockley has closed after sixteen years of being in the cob business cos the landlord doubled the rent. The couple who owned the gaff put all efforts into running it, and are now facing early retirement. Innit sad to lose another independent to dosh-guzzlers? Bob off, you bleeders.

Did yer see all that black stuff foggin’ up the city centre in August? Stoney Street car park caught fire, and they ain’t found the culprits. But, get this, it lit up on the same month last year too. I’m thinkin we’ve got a conspiracy sorta situation on our hands. P’rhaps more arson prat than flat earth.

The Council are drawing up plans to mek Stapleford, Gedling, Arnold, Wezzy B and ‘Ucknall part of the city centre. The proposal will also scrap district and borough councils to mek room for one Nottinghamshire “super council”. Looks like it’s time to start being nice to our neighbours.

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