“I was seeing this girl and she asked me to get her a Bournville from the shops. I told her to do one.
I’m not being seen with a bar of Bournville.”
"You know Pete. Little guy. Looks like Joe Pasquale."
“My freezer is full of fish in a bag. It was on offer on that website.”
"If the girl's got a smelly fanny I'm outta there."
"I'm not paying 3.99 for Stig of the Dump."
Man: You'll be getting a twiglet later.
Lady: I want more than a bloody twiglet!
"I've only just recovered from my Craig David experience. "
"I think it's Poirot." – Girl watching busker play Careless Whisper on sax.
“I can't afford a Jägerbomb, never mind a Big Issue.”
"Ohhh... I'm gonna wazz me pants."
“My friend's English teacher doesn't believe in the concept of space.”
Girl 1: You need to dump him then we can all be single together.
Girls in chorus: Yaaay dump him!
“It might bring me good luck. It might be like bird poo.”
“There was only one single guy at the wedding and he went home with the photographer.”
"I read somewhere that having a big watch helps you get girls but I don't think that's true." – Man with gargantuan timepiece
"Even the f**king roast potatoes have duck in them." – Angry vegan
“I only take middle-class drugs.”
The funny, and slightly worrying, things our Big Baby has heard your lot say this month...