"Christ, it’s like living in North Korea mate." – Workman in Top Valley
"Yeah, she had like twenty vaginas or something."
"Shall we reserve that room for a seance, whip out the Luigi board."
[Loud barking noise] "Ooh, were that you?"
"As a wise man once said, there's no flames without fire."
"He was your typical passive aggressive Dutch guy, you know the type."
Girl 1: In Nottingham, people queue for buses.
Girl 2: What?! Why?
"If I wear this hat, a girl will ask if she can try it on, and four hours later we're probably sleeping together." – Guy wearing literally the shittest hat in history
"We’re having a girls’ night out and you have a willy so you can’t join in."
Guy 1: Wow! It's going to be my brother's fortieth birthday!
Guy 2: He might as well give up now. Life is like a waterslide, it just gets faster towards the end.
"He was the dragon boy. The last thing I remember him doing was drinking paint."
Waitress 1: His knob was so big, I think it dislodged my womb.
Waitress 2: Is that why you've been walking funny today?
Waitress 1: Yeah. But he's so rich though. He's got two Lamborghinis, I made sure we did it in one of them.
"He's either going to ruin the friendship or be my boyfriend."
"Omg, you’re gonna love my pyjama shirt."
"Maureen. What's Tinder?"
"I know it looks like a bum, but I thought it would be useful in the car."
"My uncle banged him right out in the face. That's why he's got that chipped tooth."
"Yeah but Bill, you dance like a monster."
"Realised I wasn't the father. She'd been double dipping."
"Can I order chips, sausage, and curry sauce please: gluten-free."
"Sugar plum fairy is a really British thing to call someone."
"So, like, do you have to earn money?"
"Are you interested in a reindeer who's had his eyes licked off?"
Roadman 1: I miss summer and b*tches walking around with their titties out.
Roadman 2: Oi fam, you know what is peng about winter though? That white chocolate Toblerone they do for Christmas.
"He was doing the Hawaii Five-0 down the River Trent in a dragon boat."
"It’s been one of them days for the past 25 years."
"I'm scared of cheese. Even cheesecake. It makes me go all sweaty."
"I used to eat orange peel as a kid, y'know. It makes yer tabs laugh."
Woman: "I've never been into pantos."
Man: "Oh yes you have."
"Joanne! How's your new boobs?"