Turn of the screw

Ayup Duck: The Latest Nottingham News

2 January 19 words: Ayup Duck
illustrations: Rikki Marr

What the bob happened last month?

DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH
In November, the Portland Tiara got robbed from Welbeck Abbey. Cartier made it back in 1902 using diamonds that used to belong to a load of dukes, and the Duchess of Portland wore the bogger to King Edward’s coronation. Everyone’s up in bleddy arms about it going missing because it’s a “piece of national ‘istreh”. In other words, it’s worth a few bob.

Any road, they’ve arrested three blokes and a woman in connection to the shiny bit of kit, but they’ve still not found the goods. Serious heist, that. And by a bunch of Bulwellians, by the looks of things. Who’d have thunk it? Coppers are asking for more information to track the jewels down. Mind you, it’s only a pocket full of change to them blue bloods. Surely they can find a few quid for a replacement in them mattresses stuffed full of our bleeding taxes.

SHEDDING FEATHERS
One bright spark down 400 Rabbits Tequila Bar had the belting idea of donating unclaimed winter coats to Emmanuel House. Nice one kid. That’s proper. Although, I don’t know how people manage to forget ‘em in this dutty code. Must be some serious beer-jacket business going down among those festive frollickers.

BELL END
Them lot down Medderz are fuming after BT took their local phone box off ‘em. Apparently, the public blower down precinct is notorious for drug deals. 3,000 of ‘em, they reckon. Now, I’d know nothin’ about that, but it’s a bit skank on all them poor bleeders who just want to nip down the chippy and bell up their side piece.

BULLET BULL
There’s been uproar in the waterfowl community after one raging pillock of a toff shot down a goose in the middle of a clay pigeon sesh. I mean, if you want to tit about with guns in the countryside, fine. But leave our lot out of it. Enjoy your month in the nicker, bobnose.

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