"Public anal sex? What's Christmassy about that?"
“My fella isn't bothered by a five-hour drive; that said, he has been a lorry driver for thirty years.”
“Do you want to go halves on a tenner’s worth of gak?”
“Of course I like vibrators. But not on my head.”
“Your boyfriend's mam bought you something to cover your nipples with?”
“I f**kin’ bought this pizza yeah, and it was f**kn’ dead fit.”
"I'm so sad and hungover. I want to be in bed and watch Home Alone 2 and cry.”
“He went back and saw the dinosaurs, Vikings and Romans in a washing machine. Err... I mean a time machine.”
Lad 1: Saw a bloke get tasered in Buxton last Thursday afternoon.
Lad 2: I’d love to see someone get tasered.
Woman: Have you ever been in The V Spot?
Man: I don't know. You tell me.
“Lorraine, the glitter on this dress is going everywhere, it's all in me knickers.”
Man in Wilko: Yeah yeah. Just get as many as you want.
[Wife picks up two cans of body spray and reaches for a third]
Man: Woah woah woaaah. That’s more than enough Doreen. Come on, let’s go.
"The tomahawk steak's the one that looks like a axe, innit? I just want one for the novelty."
"Can't remember exactly, but it’s something-something-something-anus"
"Me doctor says I've got high cholesterol, so I've gotta start eating all this healthy sh*t."
“They say British people are always moaning. I'm not bloody surprised." – Old man in a queue